this is an extremely messed up situation and i know it is but i just can’t pull myself out of it.

i was sexually touched several times by multiple of my mom’s boyfriends when i was a child. once when i was around 5 (ex bf #1 that did several other sexual acts around me like masturbating in front of me, putting me in lingerie, watching porn infront of me) and when i was 8 by my “father figure” (ex bf #2)

before any of this happened i asked him to be my dad, and he was definitely one of the best father figures i had. i always craved that father-daughter relationship, one that he would protect me and stuff like that since i never properly had one. he taught me how to cope and calm myself down when i had anxiety attacks and he was just always there for me when my mom wasn’t. well him my mom and i all moved into the same house ( i have a brother but he was taken somewhere by cps for reasons i still don’t know) and father figure had just lost his job, him and my mom were fighting all the time and since i had been sexually assaulted before i had became hyper sexual, he caught me masturbating and after that he started touching me. he did it multiple times and i never stopped him bc i didn’t think it was wrong, i thought that’s what all fathers did with their daughters so i just let it happen. he touched me in front of my mom once while she was asleep. i wish that i could have just screamed or done something to wake her up so that i wouldn’t be in this position now. he stopped after him and my mom broke up. when i was 12/13 i realized everything, how wrong it was and i blamed myself for a really long time for not doing anything, but i was the kid and he was the adult. i never told my mom, i got really close to telling her about the ex #1 but never did. my mom and ex #2 are still best friends i still call him dad, i still see him, i still tell him i love him. he still thinks im his daughter and that everything is fine, in 2020 i had a phase where i would say how much i hated him and i blocked him for around 6 months, but one day he came to my house and i immediately cried when i saw him. i still craved that father daughter relationship, i ended up unblocking him. i thought several times about talking to him about it but i just can’t bring myself to do it. and i know that my mom wouldn’t want to be friends with him if she knew what he did to me. i just don’t know what to do. i was hoping that after he got his own kid he would forget about my mom and i but nope. he’s trying to come to my house every week to hang out now. i feel so disgusting everytime i see him, im just so lost and confused. apart of me wants to just tell my mom but the other part doesn’t, i don’t want her to know, he helps my mom so much from financial support to car repairs. i just can’t do that to my mom, everything will fall apart if i tell her. i’m so tired, it’s been a decade i should‘be moved on by now