Hey guys 🫶🏾💗

I hope you are well, and thank you for taking your time to read this and I hope you will help me to save advise xx

I’m a 21 year old female, never been in a romantic relationship, never had her first kiss and am a virgin. Ever since I was little I’ve always been the biggest hopeless romantic and have always wanted to meet the one For me. When I was 15, I made a purity pledge after I was sexually assaulted to wait until I met the one. I’ve never been into casual dating or the idea of casual sex as I know for sure I’m a relationship person and have no interest in forming relationship with temporary people and most definitely not temporary intimacy. I’ve had 1 or 2 talking/situationships but they didn’t go anywhere as I knew they weren’t the one. I do this thing where if I’m getting to know someone, I’ll soon sabotage the situation or end it if I feel as though they aren’t the one. I don’t know if the standards of who and what I want are too high, but also have never got the chance to date around because I’m scared of judgement and people talking negatively about me if I don’t choose to date them when I am in relationship.

My dilemma is although as the years progress I’m craving the emotional & physical connection of a romantic relationship more and more every day, I feel like on my worst days a kiss and a cuddle from the person I love will brighten my day and take away my sadness as I’ll have someone to help me bear the weight and most importantly grow and experience life with, but I don’t know if I’m actually ready for a relationship. I’ve been telling myself that I’m not ready for a relationship for 4 years and that I need to focus on myself and my independent goals. Is depriving myself of the experience of young love where I can learn through my mistakes and grow the best thing for a 21 year old or should I take the risk in all my anxiety and depression for the chance to love and to be loved?

I always use working on myself as the reason for holding out the companionship and love I’m seeking or is this way of thinking a form of unrealistic perfectionism or thinking if I have to be perfect to be loveable?

Also what are some things I can work on whilst I wait in my season of singleness, I was thinking of working on myself for the next 6 months on the healing I e been trying to do in five years through therapy, focusing on self-care/help and strengthening the other relationships in my life. What are some other things you think I should do or focus on during the next 6 months to become my best self and prepare for a long term relationship, or do you think I should scratch the whole operation and go straight to dating and finding the one? 💗