A past fling...

When I was 18 or so, I was absolutely in love with this guy.

So when I first laid eyes on him, I felt an instant connection, like we were magnets being drawn to eachother. I couldn't resist his mere presence. He was also glaring at me from where he was.

A second day, I saw him in a crowd, I still felt thesame. I managed to slip between people, until I stood RIGHT next to him, almost touching, but not quite yet. I am very mediocre in hight but he's pretty damn tall. So I looked up, to look into his eyes. My knees went weak, I surely almost melted. It felt like my body could have evaporated, like it had no more bounds. I got shy, overwhelmed as well, and looked away. I don't know if he felt thesame, I don't know if he saw my reaction, but we had been glaring at eachother the day before, he must have known at least that I had been interested. He walked me home that day, and kissed me right on the top of my head when he dropped me off. It sent a warm feeling through my body, like rainbows and butterflies, starting right where he had kissed me.

When I had moved out from my parental house, and into my own apartment, he often came to visit me. Unfortunately for me, we'd ever only be friends with benefits. He wasn't emotionally available and I would grasp at anything, just to be close to him.

Whenever he would touch me, not only in a sexual way, either, he could have just touched my hand or my shoulder. It would send warm shivers through my body, like a ripple effect. This was such a good feeling, almost like when you're freezing, but then you're touched by a hot ray of sunshine warming you up from the outside in, but in stead, this was from the inside out. The sex.. was so amazing, fabulous, fantastic, mesmerizing. Like he was made to be in me. Like he knew what to do, without being told. Like he knew what I wanted. Obviously, in combination with the way my body reacted to him, the sensitivity I had for every slightest touch of his body on mine. Ohhh myy lord..

Anyways

At one point, I went to a party, only because he was going to be there. Mind you, I hadn't heard from him for a while.. like a month or so. He and his friend were bartending, and they fed me a lot of drinks for free (they must have had a lot of juice because I am a lightweight and I wasn't even that drunk after who knows how many drinks, they wouldn't take my money either) after some time I was being very tired but I was waiting for him, I told him I wanted to go home but didn't want to walk alone.He said he had to work a little longer.. several times. His friend bartender offered to walk me home when he was done, so I berated that for a while but I was really tired and it wasn't out of his way. So I decided to have his friend walk me home, and I invited his friend in when we were home. We only kissed and the kiss was absolutely horrible. My guy.. drove by while his friend was still at my house, he was super pissed, had assumed a lot of things - even though we were never exclusive. Anyways I hadn't heard him until 5 years later when I was in an abusive relationship. He was sending me messages every couple of months, just hey's and hi's and hello's, I was ignoring him, until I didn't. I told him to piss off pretty rudely, I was still hurt by the way he just dropped me, about how he was never clear about his feelings, how I never knew where I stood, how I loved him with every fiber in my body and he treated me like a cheap sex toy. Even though that may not have been how he meant it or intended it. It's how it felt for me. Another part of me being so harsh, was my abusive relationship. I wanted to scare him off or something I didn't want to get one of his messages with my partner near. My feelings weren't over, and I didn't want my partner to see anything on me. I didn't want to get in trouble.

It's now another 5 or 6 years along (we're both 30 now). We reconnected half a year ago. We kept it on the surface in the beginning. But eventually I ended up talking about my feelings for him. He told me to be positive, it sounded like there may be a future for us, but he told me he doesn't talk about his feelings, that he never has and isn't going to start now. I felt discouraged. Yet then he sent me this song "be the one" (bree runway and khalid) and I am unsure. Did he mean something with the song, or did he just like the song? Later he sent me a video of him listening to a song with the text "There's more in a song than you think" and I'm here thinking.. I'm probably reading too much into it.

We have been lowkey sexting, it's all indicative. Nothing straight forward. He was disappointed that I hadn't invited him over yet. I can't right now, for reasons he's aware of and said he understood. I don't know what to think.

I don't want to get hurt again, but I can't stop thinking about how it all felt, when I met him, when I was near him, when he touched me, when things felt really good. I feel like I need to be open and honest, for him to be able to do thesame, but there's no guarantee that he would. And I still don't know what he wants or how he feels regarding me.

Not a day goes by, without me thinking about him, his touches, it makes me weak in my knees and gives me butterflies until I feel nauseous.

I kinda just hope.. this could have a happy ending some day.. but right now, I am just really scared.