About my mom

Hi everyone, im here to seek for some advices without being judged.. We are a family of 3. Me my mom and dad. Im their only and first daughter. My mom always had wished for a son but unfortunately when got pregnant with a son after a year of my birth she had a miscarriage. Until i was 3 yr old my mother loved me to bits usually because my dad was barely around as we had financial issues that time. Ever since i turned 7 yr old my mother's behaviour completely changed around me. She started looking at me with disgust and hatred and wouldnt even play with me neither would read me bed time stories. Thats the time my dad came around to spend time with me coz I'd always stay in a corner of the house quiet. Then she started comparing me with my other cousins and people, and started using hate speeches such as "you're worthless, i wish i never had you, you made my life miserable" etc . That time only the word worthless was able to get inside my mind. My self esteem slowly started to fall down and i had become demotivated in my social life. P.s. she has physically abused me since i was 6. Then when i turned teenager she had temporarily stopped with her comparisons and i got a little break and was able to build up my self esteem again. But oh boy that didnt last long her comparisons took another level as well as her hated speech. Whenever I'd try to defend myself when she came to hit me I'd basically hold her wrist so that she dont hit me she'd dramatically fall in the floor or the sofa and start bawling like a child as if i beat the shit out of her and complain to my dad that i beat her when she was just trying to explain me in good words. Technically she lied. And my dad would believe her and hit me back saying im an insolent spoiled brat whose disrespecting her mother.. Oh and a small info her physical abuses are worse like really worse. Like so much worse that i still have some of those scars given by her. Now recently my younger cousin's marriage got fixed with another of our maternal distant older cousin whose around 26 and shes 17. After getting back home she started lecturing me that my lil sis got marriage proposals already and me being 19 yr old didnt get any marriage proposals bcoz of me being fat and overweight.. she used to say these hurtful things earlier too but i learned to ignore it. But whenever she does gender discrimination on me i feel like someone stabbed me directly into my heart. Like today morning also she was saying to me "i really hoped you'd be born as a male but nooo god had another plans and cursed me with you as a daughter. If i had a son he'd have inherited all the lands and properties and money which you cant because youre a girl and girls cant inherit lands and money legally." It hit me directly into the spot making me think should i go for a treatment and turn myself into a male as shes so much concerned about me being a female...Sometimes these things makes me wanna take my life and sometimes i just hide in the bathroom and cry silently so that i dont let anyone know im hurt.