This is safe place to vent and let it out, right…

I’m trying really hard not to be that person that feels some kind of way when other women announce their pregnancy. Within the last couple weeks, two girls I went to school announced their pregnancies. My husband and I have been trying for a year now. The reason why I haven’t been to a Doctor yet is because I’ve been in this situation before. 10 years ago my husband and I decided to start trying for kids. We were in our mid twenties at that point. We tried for almost three years. I went to see a doctor. I did an HSG test and I had blood work done. Everything looked good for me. However, I just wasn’t getting pregnant. People around me were getting pregnant left and right. I was so jealous and upset. It was so difficult to deal with. We had decided to take a break from ttc, but I ended up getting pregnant naturally. I was so surprised! I was hoping that the next time we try for kids, it wouldn’t be as difficult as the first time. I told myself that If it took awhile, I wouldn’t get in my feelings like I did last time.

Our daughter is turning 7 this week. She has autism, so we decided that it was best to wait until she was little older to have more kids. We decided last year that it was a good time to start trying for #2. Well, here we are again, having a hard time. I don’t understand why it’s so damn hard for me to get pregnant. I don’t have the energy to go through all of those tests and appointments again. I can’t even begin to count all of the “accidental” pregnancies around me. But for some reason, it’s so hard for us. Maybe it’s because we’re in our thirties this go around, but it was hard for us when we were in our twenties. I just don’t want to go through this again. I’m literally on my cycle now trying not to get upset at the woman in my mom group that’s about to have an abortion because her pregnancy was “not planned.” I know I don’t have the right to be secretly mad at her, but I just can’t help it.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I’m just keeping my emotions balled up and putting on a fake smile like I did ten years ago when it was hard for us to get pregnant then. I guess I just needed to let it out. I’m just about to literally give up.