Breastfeeding support SOS

Everywhere you go when you’re pregnant and when the baby arrives how important breast milk is. There is so much pressure to breastfeed, to love it, have a strong bond with your baby, and make so much milk you have an overstock in a deep freezer.

Honestly, the first couple months went great. I really enjoyed sharing those moments with my son. But then the constant cluster feedings started, tossing and turning all night using me as a pacifier, refuses to take a bottle from me, and the constant depressing stress of not being able to supply.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s about to be 14 months and I promised myself to stick it through a year. Which I did…and more. I had an enormous help from my sister who had a baby same time as me and had an over supply of milk to share. I have to work and need to make time for myself at least once a month so I don’t lose my mind. I wouldn’t be able to do that if it wasn’t for my sister.

Until he reached 12 months so he could drink regular milk every night was up to me. No mater what, how tired or sick, I had to deal with him every night because I don’t have enough milk to be able to give him a bottle. Because of that whenever I did desperately need a break, my fiancé will try to put him down, the baby will scream and scream. He could never do it. The baby needed to nurse to slip. I craved the ability to just give him a bottle when things were hard or to be able to slip out of the house to go to the gym.

Multiple times I have found myself “dancing” with the feeling of depression. Breastfeeding has brought the worst out of me. So much stress. So much stress.

I know the importance of breast milk but mental health is just as important. I can’t be my best when I get so angry and frustrated and depressed from breastfeeding. It takes away who ism as a mom. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I hate it but I’m terrified of the place I’ll go to mentally I’f im forced to breastfeed again.

So to get to my point 😅😅

I get so much understanding and support when I open up to my friends about this but my fiancé and mom make me feel so guilty. I cry a lot. Feel ashamed as a mom and sooo disappointed. My fiancé won’t have another baby with me if I refuse to breastfeed. He doesn’t care how I feel or agrees with it and thinks I’m being selfish. His words. My mom thinks I’m being dramatic and rubs in my face all the time how much she loved it, just can’t understand how it why someone would feel differently.

I need advice. I don’t know what to do. I know the pros and cons to breast milk vs. formula. I would never do something that would harm my child. I made the decision to only formula for my second knowing all the facts. My mental health won’t be able to handle it. Especially with a toddler running around.