How do i do this?

Question

I gave birth 4 months ago to my first baby, and even though my mom and I dont exactly have the ideal relationship, she has moved in with me to help me with the baby. Her main role is when im working from home during the day she takes the baby, if i have a meeting or something. At 5 pm onwards my husband and I take care of the baby, and at night i take the shift. Yes the help is good and im grateful, so please don't say im not grateful.  last week we got into an argument (over her inviting my aunt to come over at 7am without consulting me which i didn't like) and it totally sent me back to when i was 15 years old. She is emotionally immature and handles issues by silent treatment, rolling eyes, and laughing when something doesnt go my way. When she started behaving that way i started thinking that perhaps its time for her to go home and for me to start figuring things out logistically on how to make a system that works for me when im working from home with a 4 month old. Any tips? I also want to mention that i have house help but im always anxious that my baby will become attached to her if i let her help me with the baby- which i dont like.

Answer

If someone moves in with you, I think it is a little bit unfair to expect them to ask for permission every time they have someone over, esp if it was your aunt or other family. It would be one thing if she was just there during the day and you were compensating her for the time she watched baby, and she invited people over then. However, if your home is her home, I think it isn’t fair to expect her to treat it like she is a guest, and if you intend on doing that, that will ruin the relationship in and of itself. 
I work from home and watch my 4 month old by myself. It helps that my work allows me to design my own schedule aside from meetings which allows me to be flexible around baby. I basically use different play areas (I have an activity center, a swing, and a mat that has an arch with things hanging over it and rotate him between those things. Between that and his naps, I usually can get work done and finish up whatever I need to get done when my husband gets home or after baby goes to bed. When he gets mobile, I may think about daycare or letting his aunt watch him for 4-5 hours daily as she is a sahm but right now I prefer him to be with me as he is exclusively breastfed. It is a week by week thing for us and right now the best thing is he is with me. If there comes a point where his mobility and needs surpass me being able to care for him while working, I would do what is best for him at that point. 
Your mom is still a person and whereas those reactions she’s having are less than helpful, they’re pretty normal responses during conflict. It’s not like she’s being aggressive or malicious etc so it’s nothing that isn’t work throughable but you need to be able to compromise too. If you can’t treat your mom like a independent person and expect a certain sense of rigor, you should pay for full time child care that is professionally obliged to have no life outside of caring for your child as that is their “work” 
I also don’t want anyone else raising my child, which is why I’ve chosen to not get a part time sitter to watch the baby while I work, so I can empathize with you there. But I’m willing to have more stressful days and be jam packed between work and baby juggling to be the primary carer for my baby. It is really emotionally and mentally draining but for me the pros outweigh the cons. With everything, you have to weigh pros and cons and choose w what’s best for your family but in every circumstance something has to give and you have to be able to compromise.

Answer

I mean Im not sure what anyone can tell you really....there is usually never perfection in anything. You can quit, but then you lack income. You can use hired help, but then baby will interact with the hired help and may form a relationship (the same thing happens when they go to school though). Or family help, but then learn how to manage the person and be flexible, for example unless aunt is problematic or harmful then let her come and keep your mom company, or later on casually say to your mom hey it's no problem if you invite someone but just give me a heads up for such and such reason (not sure why?) My MIL watched our son for awhile and I tried to be as easy and flexible as possible even if things werent always as I wanted because the hassle/aggravation of that outweighed my other options. You can try to manage on your own, but once baby becomes mobile and starts napping less, youll have more interruptions to juggle while youre working.

Answer

Thanks for your response. I must add that she invited her to cone see me and the baby, not to spend time with her and keep her company

Answer

I mean i get being upset she invited someone over without your permission but you could have simply just talk to her " i dont mind you having visitors because you do have a life, but i just ask that the person isnt a stranger and you ask me first". As far as you being afraid of your baby growing attached to her, the same thing would have happened with your mom. Its normal for a baby to get attached to someone other than their parents, however the child always knows who is their parent. The lady that helps you clean your home will not replace as the mother, she is just there to give you a helping hand while you work. You could quit your job and be a stahm if you and your partner can financially handle it. You could put baby in daycare or have either your mom continue helping out like she was or you ask the lady that cleans your home to help.

How do i do this?

Let's Glow!

The Top Baby Tracker App: Embrace New Beginnings with Tender Care

The Top Fertility Tracker App: Your Path to Achieving Pregnancy

The Top Pregnancy App: Nurturing Your Journey to Motherhood

The Top Period Tracker for Empowering Your Menstrual Health Journey