(My old post won’t load the comments and I wanted to know what people think so sorry if you’ve already seen this)

Hi guys! I don’t know where else to go or who to tell. I so confused and I just feel numb. I can’t stop replaying this over in my head and it’s making me feel sick. I can’t keep food down and I’m not sleeping properly. Can someone please tell me if I’m being dramatic or if this is sexual assault, rape or have I just cheated?

I went out for some work drinks the other night. We all got pretty drunk. Me and one of the guys were getting on really well as it’s the first time we’ve actually spoken about things other than work. I had the opinion that he didn’t like me much at work because I’m not as experienced and about 11 years younger so it was nice to see that he actually did like me. Although it seemed that he liked me more than just a friend, he asked if he could kiss me and I said no as I have a boyfriend and he also has someone. He was very respectful and we carried on talking as if nothing happened. The rest of the night was completely fine but we ended up being the last ones left in the club. At this point he started telling me how he thinks I’m really beautiful and how he wishes he could get to know me more etc.

We then left the club and I said I was going home and he started saying how he doesn’t think it’s safe for me to walk and when I said I’d get an Uber he said that I should go back to his. He assured me I could sleep on the sofa and he’s has blankets etc and his house mate would be there. I still said no and went to walk away but he grabbed my arm and said that I’m not going home alone. At this point I thought it would just be easier to go with him and I was so tired I didn’t want to argue. On the walk home he kept complimenting me and saying how he wanted to kiss me ect. (At this point I wanted to go home but I was too nervous to say anything) I told him multiple times I wouldn’t kiss him. I said that I liked him and enjoyed my time with him and that I was glad he came out so I could get to know him but I said that we could never kiss or be a thing etc.

He again was quite respectful and didn’t try to kiss me so I felt like we were had an understanding.

We then got to his and he sat down on the sofa and put the tv on. I just sat at the other end of the sofa and said I felt tired (hoping that he would say okay let’s go to sleep) but he asked me for a cuddle and I said no but then he pulled me in so I gave him like a half hug type of thing and we ended up lying on the sofa. I quickly felt like this was not right and sat up and said I think we should just go to sleep. (At this point I was really feeling drunk and like I could barely keep my eyes open)

He said that I could have the bed so we went upstairs and he gave me some pyjamas. I put them on and got into bed. He said night and walked towards the door and I pretty much immediately fell asleep. Next thing I know I can feel him touching me… I thought he had left but he got into bed and was spooning me. As I turned round to push him away he tried to put his hands in my pants and I told him no so he asked if we could just stay cuddling because it’s nice. I felt almost bad because it was his bed but I said that I think he shouldn’t. He then proceeded to take my pants off and turned me into my front. I didn’t have the strength to fight against him and he was holding me down as he began to put his penis in me. He then started to try and put it elsewhere. Now I have never done anal in my life and never have wanted to and I told him to stop but he tried anyway. I think he realised it wasn’t going to work and turned me on my back and just continued to have sex with me and when I tried to pull away he would grab me tighter and he said he was going to cum inside me. At this point I was pretty much going with the sex because I felt so weak and just frozen I kept saying stop but I couldn’t actually do anything to stop him so I asked him to at least pull out and he said something along the lines of “No, I’m gonna fill you with so much cum that it will be dripping out of you” he did then say he was joking but I’m still not sure if he did or not because it felt like he had. He then flipped me back over and tried to go elsewhere again. He asked me if I was good and if I liked it whilst he was still going and the first time he asked I couldn’t even speak but he did ask a few more times and I said no and that he needs to stop but he would just say things like “your a good girl, u can take it, you like that don’t you”. At one point I reached behind to try and pull him out of me but he just grabbed my arm and pined it to my back and continued to push harder. I started to cry and tell him that he needs to stop and I was in pain but he would just pull my head back and put his fingers in my mouth so I couldn’t speak. Once he finally finished I immediately sat up and started bawling my eyes out and he sat there saying “have I done something to upset you?” “I made sure I was asking if you were okay” i couldn’t even get any words out to tell him that I felt like he just forced himself on me and all I could think about was my boyfriend and how I can’t believe what had happened. He was getting a bit mad at me for crying that I ended up hearing myself say sorry to him. Saying that I shouldn’t have come here. He started to get upset saying he’s older and he had been filling my head with all these compliments etc. and again I was apologising and saying that it’s fine I just want to go home. (I still don’t know why I actually felt bad for him in that moment but I think I just didn’t want to say how I felt because I was scared he’d get mad)

So I stood up to leave and immediately felt like I was going to be sick, I went to the bathroom and was sick I then went back to grab my phone and leave but i couldn’t walk properly back to the room. My legs were like jelly and I felt so dizzy and faint that I had to lie down. He helped me onto the end of the bed where I felt myself coming in and out of consciousness. I don’t know if it was the alcohol of if I’d been spiked or idk ( btw I don’t in any means think that he spiked me, more so just some random person at the club) I remember trying to lift my head up to leave but I couldn’t even support my neck. Next thing I remember is waking up to him taking my jeans off. I was still very much out of it and one moment I was in one position the next I was in another so I think I may have blacked out a bit in between. I opened my eyes to him on top of me and when we locked eye contact he stopped and asked if I was okay. I said no I’m going, I put my clothes on and walked downstairs, he followed me down and tried to convince me to stay and said we need to talk about this but I didn’t say a word and booked my Uber and I walked out the door. I was still very much out of it but i at least could function enough to get myself home. I went straight up to my room when I got home and just sat there thinking how am I going to tell my boyfriend this. What is he going to think of me. I’m just so scared because I don’t even know what to classify this situation as. I shouldn’t have gone back to his and I will never forgive myself for it. I love my boyfriend and I would never want to hurt him. I haven’t told him yet because I don’t know how. I haven’t told anybody.

If you have read this far then thank you for listening and please if you have any advice, please let me know.