I don’t know why I still deal with this

I really don’t even know where to start. I first started seeing this guy I had a crush for years like years I’m talking like almost 10 years. In 2021 we started texting and hanging out. Everything was fine and we were happy and having fun. We would only hangout at his apartment. We’d just chill and have drinks eat food. We would make out and mess around. (No sex) we’ll eventually I got tired of always being inside it made me go crazy thinking and wondering why he’s not taking me a proper dates. We started fighting 6 months in bc I keep asking begging for him to take me out and he always had excuses as to why he couldn’t.

Summer of 2022 I was completely destroyed. We got into huge fights almost every 2 weeks. We’d “break up” and not talk and I would basically force any interaction I could. We’d get back together and it’d be fine for a few weeks then we’d fight again. This went out for the next year and half. Make up, fight bc he wasn’t taking me out break up.

Forward to June 2023 my birthday. I wasn’t begging or trying anymore I was done. He told me he would call me and do something for my birthday (last year on my birthday he didn’t even text me or acknowledge it was my birthday I was so upset) this year on my birthday I’m waiting around it’s 6pm still nothing. I made plans with someone else for my birthday and I was on my way to them. (There was a Juneteenth firework celebration downtown. I love love fireworks so we were gonna do that) well he called me and I let him stop by. Well nothing happened he seen me and yet he still didn’t say happy birthday to me. We just sat in the couch. And I wasted going to see fireworks with my friend. I was so upset. And he said he was glad I wasn’t going downtown. (Because he thought it was dangerous and I’d get hurt) I cried and was so upset I wasted and ruined another birthday. My friend came to me later that night and we went out and some drinks.

A few days later he finally took me out. To mini golf and I hated it. I was so miserable and unhappy. 2 years of begging and he finally took me out and I just felt so miserable. It’s now September and he still has yet to take me out again. He has planned things to take me out but always cancels and or picks something where it’s Secluded so nobody else is around. Whenever I suggest things, he basically tells me no. I’ve suggested fun things in the city and he basically says it’s too far and I suggest things closer to us and he says no.

Every moment I’m around him I feel so disgusting and stupid. I feel worthless and terrible. I’m miserable. I feel like he doesn’t like me or finds me attractive. I feel he’s embarrassed of me. I’m not comfortable around him. I feel so awkward and weird when we actually go out on “dates” I don’t feel comfortable being around him out in public bc he’s made me feel so ugly.

I’ve tried for so long for us to go out on proper dates and he just won’t and I no longer feel anything for him. I just can’t seem to let him go.

The pat month or so he’s been trying make more of an effort calling me and we’d talk on the phone but I just still don’t feel anything for him. I just feel miserable. He planned something last week to go to a winery but canceled said he didn’t have money. But 2 days prior he said he bought stuff from kohl’s. When he told me he bought stuff I was so upset. Because for the past two years, he would buy things and tell me he bought something And then the next thing he Says that he doesn’t have money to take me out So now, anytime he tells me he buys something I just get upset bc I know that means we won’t be going out.