TW: My condition is slowly killing me..

(This is long, it juicy.. It’s worth it)

And I don’t know what to do, but I know I just want to vent.. Maybe someone else can relate?

I have so much trauma, and based off my condition- it’s clear that I’m not exactly “here in the current” because of my traumas. I was also in foster care in 2009 and basically raised myself- especially off my life experiences, and they haven’t been good

Before anyone says to seek therapy and a psychiatrist, please know that I have, and did, and even pleaded with the hospital ER staff to admit me inpatient for psychiatric help. I was released, my Medicaid ended and I lost touch of my doctors.

To give you a better idea of my trauma, here’s a news posted article of me:

I was forced into human trafficking at the age of 13, it started getting serious when I was 15 years old, i signed myself into ROP (Rite Of Passage) at 16 years old, a program here in Texas for endangered teens- and many other programs) I didn’t “escape it” till a “client” who was 29 and I was 17, basically settled down with me.. He attempted to use me for citizenship, he’s from Jamaica. Once he realized I wouldn’t marry him just for his help- he basically got rid of me.

Fast forward that bs.. But we had kids together (2018: twins, 2019: a daughter 2020: a daughter)

I’m currently 24 years old, my other 4 kids are with their dad for the school year- no courts or child support is into play. I have a baby with another guy I’ve known for 2 years now- that relationship was VERY fast paced- we don’t even know each other like that, but we tried making things work and after him just not being loyal and knowing I’m not his type- mentally I let go which made me let go 100%. Our daughter is 1 years old, I’ve done everything for her.. Everything and we live together.. (I’m saving, I have 5k saved up, I’m in college full time, I’m the main caregiver of my daughter, I’m self employed AND im looking for a job for Uncle Sam..🙄)

Im unable to be feminine, I don’t know how to be a woman, I don’t.. I cuss like a sailor and all.. I’m financially under pressure but I will ALWAYS find a way- even if I have to resort to what I know “BEST”.

Anyways, back to how my body is basically fxcked off.. I have horrible, HORRIBLE anxiety.. I’m talking, waking up in the middle of the night hyperventilating and crying, for what? I don’t even know.. But something isn’t okay. Eating is my major challenge with the anxiety, I feel like I can’t eat unless I’m by myself, I’m my own comfort, safe.. And that’s hard with anxiety.. Maybe it’s something more, I’ve been diagnosed a lot when I was younger in my foster care days, but does that even hold weight now at 24?

I struggle to eat enough, I’m 97lbs and probably more or less, but I doubt I’m 100lbs.. I’d be excited af if I was. My anxiety is so bad it makes me throw up.. So I’m a heavy smoker with ganja, however I know it’s holding me back from a good job (especially one I’m in college for, I need to stop), I also feel like it may be making it worse for me- but when I smoke it helps me calm down in between my bites (I literally will take a bite, walk away or go outside and smoke, come back, eat and repeat.)

Now.. My issue, my baby daddy and I live together (like I stated- duh silly) and his past background.. Whew.. I didn’t know it until I was pregnant and paid for a background test. He did 6 years in prison for strangling his first baby mother and she was 3 months pregnant, he makes comments like “I hope your daughters get r*ped like you did” (it’s wild cause he doesn’t even know my background like that, just snippets.. But MY KIDS?) anyways I was pregnant when that happened.. With our daughter..

so I’m stuck in a constant look of “remember the 💩 you’ve endured”..

I just needed to vent, I’m tired of being hungry and eating just to feel scared and throw up. (Not because of the food, I love food!) I want to gain weight, I aspire to be 130-120lbs, I even have mass gainer powder and when I did have my psychiatrist, she prescribed me an appetite enhancer. I honestly don’t know what to do, I’m so.. Broken.