I am a 35 (almost 36) year old woman, I have a son (16) and a daughter (6) I have recently discovered (to our utter shock) that I am pregnant.

For a bit of back story, I had a baby in an abusive relationship as a teenager, I was a single mum until I met my husband 7 years later. We have a daughter together who has just turned 6. My step daughter is 18. I have spent my teens / twenties / thirties raising babies alongside meaningless jobs and last year after almost a decade of study, I qualified as a secondary English teacher, my dream career.

Our daughter changed our lives and we live to be her parents but there are challenges, she has severe learning difficulties and autism, she is still in nappies full time, sleep is a long distant memory. We have zero childcare, only my mother in law who is amazing but is not local.

And so, as you can see, I have a huge list of reasons why I cannot keep this baby. The trouble is, no matter how easy my decision has been (there is no fence to speak of) it’s truly gutting us. It hurts so much, we are a loving and stable family unit. The truth is, even with all of those other reasons… I just don’t want a baby.

I have an incredible support system in my husband, we both feel the same but we are both hurting. Today I found myself around babies and bumps and my heart lurched. October is hard as it’s both my children’s birthdays so it’s very much a celebration of my current babies.

I already have the pills and have planned a date around work next week. The limbo is killing me, my boobs are agony, the sickness is horrible. I’m getting all of the pains and none of the joy, I just want it to be over so I can move on.

I guess I’m worried about HOW I move on, will I ever get over this? I know I’m doing the right thing but it’s so immensely painful. I don’t really know why I’m posting, I know that my mind won’t change, but I guess I needed to vent.

Thank you if you managed to read my essay 🥹