Perineal massage makes me ILL

Hey!

One of my biggest fears of child birth since the beginning has been the thought of tearing, so I’ve been looking into ways on preventing this, the main solution being the perineal massage.

First of all, what a nightmare. I struggle to bend over anyway never mind trying to reach down there with my thumbs at the ready , but the problem I’m having is I’ll do a good few minutes of this then once I stop, I go lightheaded, vision goes funny, sudden sweats (basically the feeling where you’re going to pass out) and it will make me actually throw up.

I’m 34 weeks and have had no problems with nausea or morning sickness since 12 weeks, it’s as soon as I do this massage.

I’m not sure if it’s because I have so much anxiety about tearing that when I’m doing the massage I’m getting my self worked up about it (it does hurt a little) or if there’s something else causing this.

I’ve tried to look online but can’t seem to find anything In regards to this so I could really use some help please, I don’t want to have to stop doing the massage because I’d like to try keep my hoo ha intact when I give birth

Thank you in advance for any advice at all ! X