Should I tell my husband I had feelings for someone else? (Read description)

✨ Please no judgment here. That will not help me. I am in an extremely vulnerable place and trying to do the best thing possible now, with what’s already happened. If you’re just going to shame me for the past, please don’t comment. ✨

Last year, I went through unimaginable pain and trauma. My marriage was already in a rocky place. Then I lost a close family member, suddenly, unexpectedly, to suicide. It sent me on a downward spiral and my already-shaky mental health deteriorated. I was in such deep trauma that I barely even remember about 6 months of my life.

Anyway, during that time I reached out to a friend for emotional support. Someone I’ve been friends with for almost 10 years. I wasn’t even really “thinking” about it. He was just the person who made me feel better. He was the person I wanted to talk to, who I wanted to see, the only person I felt a glimmer of hope and joy around.

I realized I was developing feelings for him. Like I said, my husband and I were already rocky and very emotionally distant. We decided to try a “separation.” But the terms of the separation were very vague. We discussed divorce. We discussed maybe just having some space for a bit.

In the meantime my “relationship” developed with this other guy. I say “relationship,” because it wasn’t one, not really. In hindsight, it was extremely toxic. I was turning to him for love and support, and he is extremely emotionally distant and avoidant. He had spurts of wanting to be with me, wanting to see me, taking it beyond a friendship. But mostly I was basically just trying to make him love me, and getting beat down by his subtle on-and-off rejection. We never had sex or even kissed. The most that happened was we held hands, cuddled on the couch, and sent some R-rated texts a few times. It was mostly the intention behind it that I know was “wrong.”

So after, a few months, my husband expressed wanting to make things work. But at this point, I was entrenched in my “relationship” with this other guy. I told my husband that I wasn’t in a place emotionally to consider that, and that it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to start “working on the marriage” when I wasn’t emotionally ready. I didn’t tell him about the other guy but I think part of him knew. At this point, I was aware that the other relationship was toxic, and I consciously WANTED to make it work with my husband, but I couldn’t pull myself away from the other guy.

A couple months ago, it ended with the other guy. We had a talk and it’s over. I feel both hugely sad and hugely relieved. I’ve been trying to make things work with my husband. It’s going well. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.

My question is this. Do I need to tell him what happened? I feel like the obvious answer is “be honest.” But why? It’s over now. It would only hurt him. And technically it wasn’t “cheating” because we were separated at the time? Kind of? It was so ambiguous I honestly don’t even know if I did something “wrong.” I don’t know how he’ll perceive it. I don’t know if he’ll feel like I cheated or if he’ll say “well we were separated.” Because of my trauma, I truly remember so little from that period of time that I can’t even figure out if I’ve done something wrong.

I’m still kind of healing from the other guy. I’m still heartbroken when I think about him, but I don’t want to be. I want to move past it and I WANT to be with my husband.

I know we need couples counseling. We’re going to do it either way. But I don’t know if I should dredge up the past and hurt him, or if we should just focus on the future now.

And if I do tell him, do I tell him now? Do I wait until we’re in counseling? I don’t want to blindside him by taking him to counseling and THEN using the counseling as a way to confess this. But I also don’t want to tell him just randomly. I don’t even know how to bring it up.

Any suggestions or insight about any of this would be amazing. And again please if you don’t have something nice or helpful to say, please don’t say it. If you’re judging me, please don’t comment. I know I fucked up, and I’m trying to make it better. I’m struggling enough, I am not in a place to receive criticism or judgment or “tough love.” Thanks 🫶🏻