(Trigger Warning: Infant Loss)

Being pregnant with my first pregnancy was, before last week, an exciting miracle that I had only ever dreamed of after years of fertility problems. We were so happy when we learned at only 5weeks and a few days that we had Di/Di twins. When we learned our genders, we announced it to our families, got clothes for both baby Girl and Baby Boy, a twin stroller, two swings, two of everything we’d gotten so far.

But, on October 26th, I had a pre-term early rupture of an amniotic sack and ended up in the ER at 16+5, where the doctor on staff didn’t even check if I had labor signs, and sent us home with no instructions, no expectations besides “baby A will likely not make it”. I labored alone for the following hours, not realizing I’d been having contractions because I’ve never been pregnant before. Friday seemed good and promising with multiple calls to the OB to make follow ups and plans. Then, on October 27th at 7:20pm at 16+6, our precious baby Boy, who we named Michael Elijah, was born at home, in my hand. We were alone, my husband and I felt him briefly, being able to feel his movements and his life, before the 911 operator told us to tie off the cord, and we had to feel him pass. This traumatic series of events left myself and my husband utterly devastated and terrified. The placenta was not delivered and is currently still inside me with a clamp on the cord.

Now, at 18+3, we are nervously awaiting each week, to see baby girl. being told that there’s a high possibility of her not making it as well. We are anxiously hoping to make it to 23 weeks so medical intervention can be started if needed. We are so nervous, scared, sad, and desperate for time to pass quickly. We are desperate for our girls health. And we’ve yet to get any clear confirmation that she will be okay. With 5 weeks left to be closer to the “Safe” zone where baby girl has a potential to be saved, and a fetal medicine specialist claiming she’s never seen this situation go past a month without the second twin delivering, we are absolutely distraught and worried.

I don’t know how to deal with this grief, besides praying for our girl and sharing our story and hoping others who have gone through similar events can give us some enlightening stories of success and hope.

This was our baby girl yesterday at 18+2. She’s still healthy and active. But every day that passed scares me even more.