Just looking for some validation….

Okay, so I know how stupid it is that I’m still in this relationship. I know I need to work up the courage to leave, but I’m struggling so much with it. So I guess I’m just looking for some validation in reading through these texts. My husband claims I’m verbally abusive and harass him…typically because I am responding to something pretty terrible he has done and is lying about. I’ll admit I’ve yelled my fair share and haven’t dropped things because I’m so burnt out with the lies and cheating. But in reading though these texts, would anyone agree that he comes off as abusive/secretive? Am I just egging him on?

Background - My husband has been cheating on me for the past year essentially with a 21 year old (10 years his junior). He is also her manager at work. He is a narcissist and addict and used this whole year as an excuse to go back to drugs/alcohol in a very scary way. Basically abandoning us all summer and then coming home claiming it was over and clearly never stopped. He’s been living in his own place for the past 3 months and was planning to come home for the new year, only to find out he was still hanging out with this girl and now he is not coming home. The whole issue with this exchange is he went out with friends last night and stopped responding around 11:30pm when he promised he’d keep me updated and let me know when he made it home safely. This was his mo all year long, almost every Saturday from May-November when he was with her. He’d go out with “friends” and be gone until Sunday sometime. With his phone off or no responses. So naturally, I didn’t believe him when he said he wasn’t with her last night/today. Also, yes, I’ve definitely looked at his phone and that is how I found out about a lot of things. Hence my invading his privacy and his issue with that.

If you’ve made it this far…I appreciate any input. Even if it’s to tell me how stupid I am for staying or that I’m ridiculous! I need all the motivation to leave that I can get.