I feel ashamed and dirty of my body.

This will be a long post! I really need to be heard and I hope this community can help. Nothing I did is justified but I just want to vent.

So at age 16 I met my ex. We were together for a total of 10 years. We were each others first. 3 years later he started becoming abusive. I stayed because I loved him. I fell pregnant that summer after he forced himself inside me. I wanted him to use a condom and he forced it inside. I can’t remember much but I don’t think he finished inside me at that time. I just remember him penetrating me for a minute. I ended up getting pregnant but I had an abortion. I had an abortion because my ex threw a rock aiming at my head. It didn’t hit me but I was terrified. I booked an appointment to terminate the pregnancy because I couldn’t continue the relationship. I broke it off and I was a dumbass to forgive him. We were off for almost a year.

During that time I was coping by having a sex with a FWB situation. We always used a condom! My ex came back wanting to work things out. I was devastated that I was having sex too soon. I went back with my ex. But he went back to his abusive patterns. I ended pregnant again and also aborted in 2019. We officially ended the relationship in 2019.

Since then I have slept with 4 guys. My body count is 6! I feel so disgusted. I feel worthless of my body and as if my reproductive system is “broken” I don’t feel like I’m going through a midlife crisis. I’m turning 30 and sometimes I feel like no one will take me seriously because I’ve been with 6 men. I feel like a horrible person for having gone through 2 abortions and sometimes I wonder if I can conceive.

Just 2 months ago I was talking to a guy and I was hoping it would lead to something because he talked to me so beautifully. He made it seem like he was looking for a long term. We had sex on the Second date and he barely texts me anymore.

Sorry if this is a personal post. I just feel so bad about myself