Context: I’m staying with my ex-boyfriend “M” during my time off from school. We’re great friends and we’re fwb, we broke up on good terms, the relationship was just a lot of pressure and management. He’s the first person I had sex with after celibacy and the first positive and consensual sex partner I’ve had.

The month I’ve scheduled to stay with M is almost over and we haven’t had sex once, but there’s been flirting and joking around about sex. I’ve even made jokes about how badly I need to be fucked, acting as though I’m sex deprived— but it’s not a joke anymore. I feel deprived. Moreover, I’m feeling so unappealing.

I know he’s not seeing anyone else, and I don’t want him to feel pressured or guilt tripped or self conscious by blurting out “I feel unattractive because you’ve suddenly stopped pursuing me sexually, actively denying sex”.

Honestly, if he just came out and said “I don’t want to have sex lately” I could accept that because that’s something I understand but when I’ve asked if he’s just not feeling like sex lately he’s all “haha no?” But he won’t elaborate.

It’s making me feel like some sort of gross sexual deviant too, like why am I craving it? It’s making me feel bad for wanting sex.

I know you might think “just find another sex partner, you’re not exclusive!” But I don’t want to. He’s learned my body and I feel safe with him. After a long time with no sex and building up this great partnership in the bedroom after being traumatized by the act, it feels like so much work to try and build that kind of thing with someone else. I don’t think I can just give up my body, lose control, and feel good with anyone else right now.

I feel bad saying it, but it feels like a waste staying with M— it’s not, he’s my bestie and I love spending time with him, but I’m here, conveniently ready for sex at any time, a step or two away, and now he wants nothing.

Tonight, I tried starting something. I asked permission, and I started rubbing all up on his chest, kissing and sucking around his neck and nipples the way that always makes him horny. He was huffing and puffing, gripping my hair, I was getting wet… then when I move off him to readjust my position, he just flips over and says goodnight and thank you and immediately falls asleep snoring! Gurl, cmon. I feel gross and wasted, even perverted. Even if it’s not me, logically I know it’s probably not me, but it feels like me.

So now I’m just awkwardly horny, sexually frustrated and unfulfilled, and self-conscious.