guys i’m spiraling

i’ve been dating someone for a few months. it’s been very toxic. very much love bombing. but i fell in love with him. and i went through his phone because he was being secretive. i found out he is in a whole other relationship. he messages women daily. found 100s of women. buying girls sex tapes and only fans. has a porn addiction. idk how many girls he’s slept with. gave me and the other girl chlamydia. has lied about every single thing since we met.

his dad is a pastor. he played like he is a genuine, good man. he is a whole different man than he led on.

i feel nothing but rage. i feel hatred running through my veins. i have never felt so humiliated, stupid, used. i feel meaningless. like i’m easy to not care about. i took pictures of all the proof so he wouldn’t be able to gaslight me. also so that if i ever wanna go back, i can look at it. and every time i look at it im enraged.

i did get revenge which i’m not proud of. but i’m still not satisfied. i want him to hurt. but i also know i need to let it go. i don’t want to hold on to this. i don’t want to be filled with hatred. i don’t want to hate men.

i’m afraid this event has changed my brain chemistry. i have no hope in men. or in finding a family man. or in finding a genuine man. i’m afraid i will never be enough for men in this generation.

i treated him really really well. i’m confident in that. why is that not enough? why did i stay even though he didn’t do anything for me? why did i stay when he disappointed me time and time again? why was i so fucking naive and gullible?

he said he loved me…he told so many other girls he loved them..

he said he wanted to spend his life with me. he wanted me to be his wife and have his kids….

that meant nothing…i meant nothing.