I wish there was a way to truly talk to someone about my life. Like an entire day to just talk about what’s going on, what I’m doing wrong, and how I can fix it all, if I can. My life has truly gone to shit when I got with the guy I’m with now. He’s 6 years younger than me and I’ve been thru hell with this dude. Can’t say I’ve been back because things are not the same so no hell and back for me yet.

We have always had an abusive relationship I think. More of a trauma bond. Well with that said I ended up getting pregnant 4 months into the relationship. To me, my child was a miracle because I was 32 years old at the time and I had a past, I already been married I didn’t think a baby was in my future. So I kept him. Now with keeping my baby with the guy has created so many issues in my mental life. I hate to talk like this because I don’t regret my child, I love him to death. Now the guy who’s his dad is challenging for me. He’s not a good guy. I had sex with the wrong one unfortunately. But I love my son ugh. It’s rough to explain. Anyways when I first got with him he had just gotten released from doing 30 days in jail for a charge he had gotten previously. He was on probation most of the time we have been together. He’s mean to me. He yells, blames me for everything. It’s not just yelling, it’s the anger behind it. It’s toxic anger. Idk how else to describe it. He constantly lies to me about majority of everything, he has never taken ownership of anything in his entire life. Never. He’s already in therapy, has been for a while. Along with myself. Mine helps me, however his doesn’t reflect on his life in my opinion and I see the guy everyday.

It has taken me months and months of resentment to get to this point. He is a horrible partner, a horrible father and on that when I leave, since none of this is directed towards my child he will walk away with 50/50 custody. I’ve been grieving a while for the loss of half the week with my child. It breaks me in a way I never thought was possible. I hate it but I’ve tried everything possible to make the situation better, it’s just never going to be good.

When he talks about me to other people he says from the beginning I’m a bitch. Like that’s literally not cool. I don’t like being hidden and I don’t like someone’s first impression of me to be a bitch. Like come on. So I messaged the guy and introduced myself, he automatically told me I sound stupid and shit. How am I sounding dumb by introducing myself to his childhood best friend? Umm ok. That’s cool. Another person on my shit list I guess. Reason why that came up is because my child’s father was looking thru my watch as I was having a convo with a friend. He saw my whole plan of even leaving in the first place. Shit when he’s mad he wants me to leave. So really he hides me, talks shit about me, then comes home and wants to fuck?

I don’t get what any of this means. I do plan on leaving but this person is embarrassed of me, so with that said he shouldn’t want to be with me.

I am actually leaving soon. How can he expect me to leave my child behind? He will grab the baby, take him upstairs to his family, block my car in, stand in front of the door. It’s a nightmare. I’m working on creating a plan to leave while he’s at work. I just need to go. I shake so bad I worry I might have a seizure. It’s just really sad. Currently I have 90% of my things packed and ready to go. Just need a truck.