A little bit of background: I went low-no contact with my mom in July of 2022, shortly after my husband and I moved into our new house. Before this, I was always close with my mom (or so I thought) but found out she was talking about me behind my back (shouldn’t have been surprised when she was talking about my siblings to me all the time). She had told my siblings my husband and I “downgraded” and moved into the ghetto (we didn’t, she just isn’t familiar with the area and wanted us to stay in the hometown near her).

Besides talking about me behind my back (which she STILL does, I find out from other family members shes been calling me fat and saying I’ve put on weight recently. She’s judging from photos I’ve posted on fb where I’m still friends with her). She also used to corner me when my husband and no one else is around when she would be upset over things I considered to be minor. My dad passed away in 2020 and my siblings and I agree she has gotten progressively more miserable and negative as a person since his passing, which I tried to take into account, but couldn’t anymore after the constant disrespect.

When she tried selling her house in 2021, she was all bent out of shape because “nobody was helping her”, even though my husband and I had moved out by that point. All I had left at the house was things from when I was a kid, which I thought she would want to keep for herself. I had mentioned to her I didn’t need or want those things. She called me one day and said “come get your s*** or I’m throwing it away”, and when I arrived at the house to go through it with her, she ignored me completely until she realized my husband was with me, then she acted all nice and innocent. The moment he stepped into the garage to start cleaning it up, she started going off on me saying she was disappointed in me that I wasn’t helping her out more and was cussing at me to get “my s*** and get out”. When my husband came back in, she started being all nice and acted like she hadn’t just cussed me out. I cried on the way home and mentioned it to my husband, who said I should stop my relationship with her.

When we moved into our new home, it was around her birthday so we offered to host a dinner with family and make food for her. We had asked her all week what food she wanted and she never gave a clear answer, but kept hinting at Mexican food. The day of her actual birthday, about 2 hours before everyone came over, she texted me saying she wanted bbq food. We had already bought the Mexican food so I mentioned it to her when she showed up that we were making Mexican food, which I didn’t think was a big deal (and still don’t). She immediately got upset and went outside to get her clothes to change into (she had come from work). I followed her outside and she immediately started cussing at me, asking “why the f*** would you ask me what I want if you were just gonna do whatever the f*** you wanted?!”

We have a drive way camera that caught all of this, and a front porch camera that caught her saying my husband was an idiot for not taking into account that it was her birthday and she deserved to have the food she wanted. I was reasonably upset the rest of the evening and mentioned it to my husband, who watched the footage and wanted to confront my mom on her behavior. My husband and I decided that night that we would no longer have a relationship with her going forward. I discussed this with my siblings, who all agreed that “mom definitely has issues but she won’t ever deal with them, or see a therapist”, in which case I told them I wouldn’t have anything to do with her until she seeks help. The way she treated me, in my own home, was disgusting and vile. She has treated me like this my entire life (and my siblings and dad too) but nobody ever stands up or says anything to her.

Flash forward to present day — I have not seen her in over a year, we never get invited to family holidays or gatherings. I found out she bought a new house in LA and that’s about it. I only find out these things through my siblings, who still have a relationship with her but I don’t ever ask or care what she’s up to if I’m being honest.

I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant and have known for over a month I’m pregnant at this point. We’ve told my husbands family and all of our friends and I’ve told my brother (who I’m closest with and has promised he won’t say anything as he’s afraid my mom will be upset with him that he knows I’m pregnant before her. I told him this is on me if that’s the case and she can be upset with me and not him). However, I’m struggling to decide if I even want her to know? The way she talks about me behind closed doors and to my siblings, and how she does things without telling me (I.e. buying a new house, traveling, my dad’s brother passed last year and she never mentioned it to me so I missed the funeral. My aunt on my dad’s side told me she mentioned it to my mom and my mom said she would let me know but never did).

Since I don’t get included in updates or gatherings (which is fine, I decided to exclude her voluntarily so I’m not surprised she doesn’t tell me things) I don’t feel it should come as a surprise to her that I don’t want her included in my pregnancy or anything to do with my baby.

My husband is in full support of me and this decision but of course I’m getting kick back from my brother who say I should tell her at the very least or she’ll be upset. My thing is, she’s going to be upset regardless. She’s going to be upset that I didn’t tell her first, or that I told her through text and not a phone call or in person, or that I didn’t tell her in a special way, etc.

I watched my sister in law go through this with my mom when she was pregnant and my mom made her pregnancy super stressful for absolutely no reason. My mom was also upset she wasn’t allowed in the delivery room and felt she had “every right to be there” because it was my brother’s first kid. At that time, my dad was still alive and even told my mom she had no right to be in the delivery room if my sister in law chose not to have her there (and I don’t blame her, obviously). My sister in law is the ONLY person who knows how I feel and supports me (besides my husband) as she’s mentioned to me on multiple occasions that my mom has also cornered her and told her she “trapped my brother” by getting pregnant, which isn’t true.

To me, my mom is just a miserable, and unhappy person and she’s toxic. She hasn’t done anything to fix these behaviors so therefore, I want nothing to do with her. I fear that because I’m having her newest grandchild, that if I do decide to let her know, she’ll think I want her involved. I would only be telling her so she doesn’t have to find out via social media, which is nicer than I’d like to be. I want to be as stress free as I can, especially while pregnant.

Sorry this post is so long, just wanted to give accurate details as to why I’m torn.