Death Anxiety

So I haven’t been working much recently due to circumstances but I realized that when I have a lot of free time, my anxiety spikes.

A little backstory, I lost my father at 14 years old due to cancer and my step dad at 17 years old due to a heart attack. I currently work as a first responder so death should be an easy topic for me to handle. It’s not.

I’m always worried about death and dying. Myself and my family. I worry that something bad will happen to me and I’ll never be able to have children like I’ve always wanted and I’ll never get to do the things I want to do.

I worry about my mom who is sick. I’m worried something might happen to her and what I’d do if it happens.

I worry about my boyfriend who is also a first responder. When he goes to work I worry about if something were to happen to him on duty.

Now, you’re going to call me crazy for getting into the line of work I’m in. It’s chaotic and the risk of injury/death is more than a regular 9-5 job so if I’m so worried about dying, why am I in this job? I don’t really have an answer. The job is what I really want to be doing. Nothing besides my job interests me. Back when I was working consistently my anxiety levels were low. I never worried much about anything.

Now I’m full of anxiety. I’m not sure what to do about it. I had a therapist last year but when I left for military training they must have forgotten and said I needed to make another appointment or my services would be cancelled. I haven’t been back nor have I looked into another therapist because I’ve been feeling better with this job and her sessions didn’t help me much.

Does anyone have any advice on this?

Working out doesn’t help the anxiety much but increases my anxiety. I feel like working out makes me more tired and the more tired I am the more anxious I become.

I’m sure my boyfriend being on night shift isn’t helping me much either.

Please let me know if you have any advice or tips for me. Thank you!