I think it happened - my story long post

Sarah • Keep smiling and enjoying what you have. Keep trying to be the best you can. Sarah!

Sunday we went to the hospital. I was cramping horribly and bleeding. The bleeding started on Friday as brown spotting. I didn’t think much about it until the spotting turn red and it was clotting during a wipe.

I took my home test on January 5th I was late by 10 days . I didn’t even need to wait the whole 3 minutes the test line was bold. I texted my husband he came home we cried we were nervous. Wow we were pregnant!! We told very few people at first I read it was polite to wait until week 12 just in case. I was excited though. We were excited. Morning sickness was a thing. I had to tell some coworkers including my boss. He was going to have to take time off so he had to tell his boss and a few coworkers. Our families just needed to know. Oh and a couple close friends just needed to be key in on the excellent news. Oops maybe more than a few are told. Oh well we are excited and I love being congratulated. What could go wrong?

I had already gone to the ER earlier a few weeks prior for shoulder pain. The treated me nicely but like I was crazy they did a blood test to prove yes I was in fact pregnant. HCG levels showed about 6-8 weeks on January 8th yay! We were so excited.

OBGYN appointment on the 22. No ectopic pregnancy! Yay that was my fear with the shoulder pain! The egg was where it was supposed to be. Wait, there was a sack no yolk. I knew at that moment something was wrong. Doctor said no worries must be earlier than we thought. Maybe my ovulation was late. Looking at the process we were probably about 6 weeks. Wait my blood tests two weeks ago said I was at that point already could they be wrong? Hormones are weird don’t worry. We will schedule another scan for a week at the end so next time we will possibly see a heart beat. Scheduled an appointment for February 2. We can wait until then to see our baby.

January 26th as mentioned previously the spotting started. Brown, small, no pain. I didn’t want to go in again. This is normal I think. It is small. If it gets fresher and bigger I will go in. January 27th no changes only spotting in morning when I wipe. Wait… is that a clot? No must be my imagination. I think I am fine. Only cramping a little, but nothing to worry about. I have seen a miscarriage on the movies and television, they know the pain is bad the bleeding is bad, if I go in the will laugh at me. January 28th ok hey now this is hurting. I sit on the toilet for 30 minutes, my muscles are hurting. Ouch, why do I feel like I am having a period right now? I felt this when I was supposed to be having my period at the beginning of this journey maybe it is normal cramping go to wipe the redness can’t be ignored. There are clots. I show my husband, yes we are going to the hospital. We go in at 5pm, last time we were there for an hour and a half this will be the same process. They will think we are crazy. While there they recognize us. Oh you are back, what now? Oh I am bleeding and cramping something feels not right. Oh we are sure it is nothing. Two blood tests, a bloody UA, pelvic ultrasound,and regular ultrasound later it is 9pm. We were told yes it appears HCG levels aren’t increasing like they should be. The cervix is not open but there is clotting (what the f*** does this even mean?) You are mostly having a failed pregnancy. Again there is a sack no yolk. Sorry for this news you should get an appointment with your OBGYN to confirm. We don’t tell anyone at this point. We need to process it alone.

Monday January 29th I call out of work. Cramping is continuing I am tired. I cry off and on. I text many of my friends that I told just about a week ago “We are actively having a miscarriage please do not be hurt if we are distant. We are needing time to handle this loss. We love all of you and thank you for this understanding.” I get a few replies back saying sorry. That we do not deserve this. I cry a lot. Why would my body fail? Why can so many people have babies and I can’t? Why did god trick me? Why is he punishing me? Why do I deserve this? What does this mean for me? Do I get to drink (not that I drink much but hey I am in mourning)? Can I eat the stuff frowned on now? Can I get my morning venti coffee again? What can I do? What am I going to go through? Why am I not bleeding much? Not even a pad worth in a day! Husband calls our families to tell them the news. He requests they leave me alone for now. I call the OBGYN and tell them I am actively having a failed pregnancy do they want me to come in sooner? No the trust appointment should still be fine they will just make notes in my chart to reflect this change. Reflect this change? Change? Is this a change? I’m not liking that… Word.

January 30… do I go in to work? Do I sit here? Yesterday I cried today I feel fine for now. I think I can work. I go in at 6:36 a little later because I was bleeding and cramping on the toilet again. I can go in though. I can work through the cramps. They kinda feel like a period. I have only used 1 of the 3 pads they have given me at the hospital. Maybe this will be smooth sailing. I can do this. My coworkers tell me I should be at home. I shouldn’t be at work. I cry off and on. I stay in my office. Lunch time. I go home I call out for the rest of the day. I fall asleep in my car. Husband gets in car to go get his prescription from the pharmacy. I feel I can go into town I need to buy pads anyways even though I have only used one so far. We go into town. Gush of blood oh I guess Good thing I am buying pads. Wait what is the difference between panties liners or maxi pads? I don’t know what type I want. I am a 33 year old female and I haven’t used pads since freshman year. Actively gushing blood in my underwear. Can’t decide. Well I don’t think thin pantie liners will work. I read online it is like a period and mine can get heavy, maxi pad it is. Honey I want chocolate can you get me chocolate milk and make me chocolate pudding. Yes he does. My sweet husband. We get home more blood clots. Maybe I finally pass red d it these are bigger than the others and it came with gushes of blood. Maybe my cramping is over. I eat the chocolate pudding and drink my chocolate milk and go to sleep.

January 31. I go into work I think the worst is over. I can go in. A few minutes late again. I decided today I will email my boss easier than talking face to face and risking crying. “Dear boss name, I find this easier to type in an email as I am currently an emotional wreck. I want to thank you for your understanding this week for my absence and my leaving early. I want to let you know I am

Actively going through a miscarriage and I am experiencing some pain. I might need more time off depending on what I am going through. I thank you for your understanding and a sorry for any inconvenience this causes. I will be going into the OBGYN on Friday which I will get more information from there I might ask for bereavement time. I will provide documents if needed. “ some more stuff not important. We still talk face to face he apologizes for what I am going through “he is on my team” and will approve anytime I need off. However bereavement is not really an option this isn’t under that. I disagree but I am not really up to arguing. I will talk to my union. I go home. Do some calls. Fall asleep on the couch. Husband says time for bed it is now 11 PM. I get up oh let me change my pads. I get to the bathroom. A big flop in my pants. Oh what did I just drop a coin purse in my pants. Of course it is a blood clot and probably the sack. A size of the palm of my hand. Picture below. Ok let me clean my pads up and do I flush this down the toilet? Do I keep it? What do I want to do? I put it on toilet paper. Oh of course the stupid pads let blood leak on my underwear. I put toilet paper in my vagina for minute so I could walk to get new period underwear. Oh let me pick up my pants from the floor. Oh there is a huge blood clot on the floor and blood down the front of the toilet. Hey dear I need your help. I gotta jump in the shower and clean up can you please clean this mess up on the floor for me. I am ok I promise. He gets on the floor. He is wearing a Covid mask to protect from the smell I guess. Seeing him I start crying. I am so sorry I tried to keep it clean. I didn’t mean to make a mess. I am sorry it is on the floor and you have to clean it. I really tried. I really didn’t want to bother you. I am so sorry. I failed. I messed up. Standing in the shower crying. Bleeding from the miscarriage I literally just had. He hugs me. It is ok you did nothing wrong. We will be ok. I will clean this. Still holding me while I cry.

Yes this is my story. No it is not like the movies. It is long and painful. I am sorry for the long story. If you read all of this I thank you. I hope you aren’t going through this.