Healing from my own family.

My parents were not loving to one another growing up, they themselves would describe my childhood home in the following ways;

“Chaotic, stressful, miserable, unpredictable, dysfunctional” etc.

as well as regularly express

their own urge/NEED to leave the situation, ( they vaguely would discuss how to ‘fix’ but never got detailed or tried to get support on ways to cope healthily, their favorite thing to discuss in fights is which one of them should just abandon)

They split when I was 13yrs old- they never legally divorced and still remained in close contact with one another, three years after the separation

One of my brothers committed suicide while living in a severely abusive and neglectful situation with father & older brother

Especially after this my parents would chock the whole relationship and family hardships up to emotional immaturity; that’s why it couldn’t have worked out,

I obviously being an insider think/know

that plays a role in a lot bigger scenario here, emotional immaturity comes from some place.

I think finding the source is important if you want change and healing in whatever neglect, trauma, disorders, are involved.

But because my parents hadn’t ever thought/tried to ‘do the work’- (immaturity prohibiting them from voluntarily getting therapy, voluntary anger management, self communication, self awareness and garner self compassion) then there was no foundation to be built for our family.

Anyhow I’m an adult, with several severe mental health issues stemming from the chronic post traumatic stress disorder I got from childhood

Now with my own family, three children nearly,

I’ve had to give up contact with the family that I was born into to keep my sanity and peace in tact. I honestly should have done it a long long long time ago but I felt a trauma bond, even though they hadn’t always treated me right it’s all I knew for so long.

Even though I have vivid memories flashbacks even

Feeling like I’m still there inside my parents grueling household, I know I watched them in verbal, psychological, and physical altercations numerous times but

as an adult my mother goes gaslighting me, saying she doesn’t recall anything the way I do. I am so dramatic and crazy then The family joins her. This has gone on a lot of life