Can you guys read and not judge me, please? I’m already beating myself up enough about this bs.

I want to leave my boyfriend, everyone says I should do it, even you ladies on here & I AGREE 100%.

Because of him, my family and friends aren’t talking to me, including my 11 year old son, well he talks to me of course, it’s just not the same energy since I started talking back to my bf (my son isn’t too fond of him, so he’s not happy with me and my decision)

Quick backstory, in 2021 my boyfriend told me he didn’t want to be a father figure to my son because I wouldn’t let him discipline my child, that day he also smacked me in my face (then threatened to jump in the river downtown when I told him I was leaving him). He was also abusive to our puppy which I’m sure y’all seen me say. I couldn’t defend her cause every time I tried, he would yell at me and get in my face or tell me not to baby her. It was even a time she a scratch on her nose. I’m pretty sure he scraped her nose on the ground or something. Anyways, Earlier that day I also had found porn in his phone (mind you he didn’t have a job, I was working every night, so when I left for work, instead of looking for a job, he was watching porn, hiding the porn) this was an ongoing thing for 5 months straight. I would get off work, he would be sleep, didn’t take the dog out, didn’t get my son up for virtual learning, like, I tried to work it out with him, I needed him and begged him to get a job, he just didn’t, he wanted to rap and still does, he had a friend, that would pay for the studio to record, or I would at times and it was just getting old, he didn’t fix it permanently. It was a temporary fix, he would get a job for a week then quit so he’ll have a week work of money, I then left, BUT obviously went back after the fact. He reached out to me about April 2020, telling me he “changed” and wanted to try to work on us. I’m an idiot. It had only been 3 months when he reached out and said that. I fell for it and he didn’t change.

WE DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER ANYMORE and my son isn’t ever around him.

Fast forward to now.

He stays in the house we rented together (well I put the deposit down and took care of everything) in 2020 and he hasn’t paid rent or anything because he hasn’t worked in over 3 years. He has NO hot water, heat or electric. The electricity work due to an electrical problem in the house, he got a shut off notice in June 2020 from DTE. so his lights are off.

I left January 2020. We were behind on rent because they weren’t doing the repairs on the house, so I didn’t pay 4 months of rent, but when I left, I got emergency assistance for his ass, they paid for the rent up until May of 2020. He had time to find a job and be able to pay rent. No. I came back in April of 2020 and he wasn’t able to maintain the bills. He was just having sex with a bunch of women and living rent free, he had hot water at the time and heat.

I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP.

He never has food in his house, been like this since I left. When I stayed there, I always made sure it was groceries in cabinets, fridge and freezer. Smh.

I been there since last Friday, 3-22-2024. I had to door dash everyday or go pick up food if I wanted to eat, he doesn’t have the money to contribute, so I’m spending money on both of us to eat and also have to leave everyday to go home to shower.

So with that little backstory, people that are close to me knows a lot of this especially my mom because she see me come home to shower then leave right back out. But they’re frustrated with me and don’t understand why I leave and go back, over and over again. I understand their frustration too. Because I don’t even understand myself. I need mental help. I feel like.

When I say I want to leave but then I don’t, I hurt everyone around me, literally. It sucks. I feel like a shitty person and a shitty mom.

Does anyone suggest I go to therapy to help me get out? Because I’m scared to. I don’t feel like I’m in danger it’s just, he’s verbally abusive, he will name call me, bash me, call me weak for leaving, he gets loud at me, he throws things around me, last night before I posted my other post, l left a few things out, he said I’m just like every bitch he ever met, he called me out my name a few times, he told me he was damn near ready to pick his floor mirror up and shatter it cause I wasn’t understanding something he was saying. Does anyone suggest therapy? Everyone suggest leave but obviously I don’t know how.