hello, im baaaack~

*Diary Entry 1*

Yes I know it’s public but I prefer it that way.

I’ll paint the picture for you~

We match on hinge, he’s very helpful and gave me tips on travelling to this country he’s from. We’re having some banter and on firsthand it’s very genuine and good natured. So we switch over to Insta.

We’re on there, we’re chatting for about 2 weeks and he’s been very vocal about meeting me and compliments me and is doing all the right things. We’re very clear about our goals and we’ve been talking consistently before meeting.

I meet him (3 weeks later from meeting on hinge) and we have oral sex. Again, we’re very clear on our goals in that we’re both just going to see where things go given that we both have just come out of relationships a fair few months prior to being on hinge.

After that, (which was amazing btw), we’re still talking and calling and some sexting going on here and there, and another 2 weeks later we meet up again. We cook dinner, and we have sex. Standard lol. Again, very good but was not what I was expecting beforehand either.

A week later and we’re still talking seeing where things go, having deep conversations here and there and I get the impression he’s not as invested as he once was.

So I confront him about it and ask him what the go is and he says he’s not that much of a texter but is still “happy to see where things go”.

I’m mentally checked out at this point. I write down my thoughts and realise in the throes of lust that I had really forgotten what my goal was. I was never in this to find a relationship, so why am I butthurt when he tells me he doesn’t believe in texting 24/7 (which I agree, I have my own shit) but every single time I go to say “Have a nice day!” He follows up with a question… so obviously he wants to keep baiting me with lacklustre casual conversation because he’s also talking to other girls and probably is feeling out which one of us he wants to pursue.

I guess my point is:

When women do this, we’re villains and cold-hearted and don’t have a sense of morality but men are doing this on the daily.

So you know what I did… I start going on dates again, with other men. I start talking to other men. Granted I’m not sexual with them but I’m in my 20s and I’ve come to the point that I don’t care?

I don’t care if I’m not in a relationship by 30. I don’t care if I don’t have kids by 30. I’m starting to see how that instead of trying to put my all in dating, I should first be putting my relationships with my family and my friends first and putting my all in those areas first. Because the man I’ll meet and hopefully want to keep in my life forever, will eventually have to meet my tribe and my people, and they’re the ones who have been around longer than any man have and will have.

I’m in my 20s and I’m just now figuring out that I don’t need a significant other, to be significant.