I am trying to get a remote job, so I can file a protective order against my husband and force a separation. I live in a rural area and have no childcare options. I had to quit my previous career due to childcare options disappearing. The final straw is a new situation in which I believe my husband intentionally got me pregnant, after months of me no longer allowing him to bait me into conflict when he becomes emotionally disregulated, as I’ve learned to regulate my own emotions, manage my own peace and joy, and separate them from any reliance on him. For health reasons, I can’t use hormonal birth control. I was using a diaphragm with spermicide. I agreed to condoms when he said he didn’t like it. He took the condom off when he knew I was in my fertile window, and now I’m pregnant. I’ve had many miscarriages, and have been making big changes to resolve multiple chronic diseases. But I wasn’t ready for this, and he’s been angry with me for not being excited. I have a 40% chance of a successful pregnancy, and my health is still rocky.

In his episodes of seriously detrimental emotional immaturity he refuses to take accountability for anything, treats me like a servant, and performs some of the most intense emotional deflection I’ve ever witnessed. If he interprets disrespect, he disrespects me. If an emotional pain of his is somehow triggered, he strives to cause me emotional pain. His trauma responses from his childhood in a third world country have been to strive to be the bigger threat, and that’s how he treats me. He crosses the line into emotional, verbal and mental abuse. He does the literal chest puffing and bumping to be physically intimidating and menacing. He has verbally threatened physical assault and harm. He makes snide, degrading comments about me to and in front of the children. I am always to blame for his anger. He’s never at fault; I “make” him behave the way he does 🙄 And the kicker? He is only this horrible after he eats certain foods. It’s become apparent that, aside from his mental health issues, he has food sensitivities that affect his mental health, which he refuses to give up. I know from experience how much food affects debilitating mental health, as I’ve gone off all meds by changing my diet (if interested, check out Brain Energy by Dr. Palmer, and Change Your Diet, Change Your Mind by Dr. Ede.) He is usually one of the kindest, most empathetic and creatively thoughtful people when he doesn’t eat this crap. When he does, he is completely devoid of empathy and compassion, and seems only filled with disdain and hatred. I’ve come to think of him as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I don’t entirely blame the food for his nonsense, but he is definitely to blame for continuing the circumstances that make it impossible for there to be peace. Metaphorically speaking, it sure is hard to clean up a house when it’s on fire. But he is definitely to blame for denying it even needs to be cleaned, and for repeatedly setting it on fire.

I have done so much work on myself and my mental and physical health. I have done deeply intensive work with a variety of specialists for myself, and for the conflicts I experience with my husband, and know with certainty there is no personality disorder at play with him, but definitely a combination of depression, ADHD, PTSD, and severe emotional immaturity. Unfortunately, he comes from another culture in which it is shameful to admit to mental health *anything,* even more so than how it is in the US. I have struggled with many similar mental health issues (though with different manifestations), and only changed when I realized I was losing everything I wanted. I understand where he is. But I can’t make him do anything; it’s up to him. I learned so much and finally see that, while he is very capable of learning and growing, he won’t so long as he refuses to accept accountability for himself and his choices. And I know there is no chance he will even try so long as I cannot change the status quo. And I know the chances of him successfully doing so, when I can force him out, are incredibly slim. What hurts the most is that, when things are good, they’re amazing. And this is often the majority of the time. When they’re bad, they’re really bad. In almost every way, he has always been an incredible man. Yet in the ways he hasn’t, he has deeply failed our marriage, our family, my trust and my heart.