I'm writing this in case there is anyone needing to hear it to know they are not alone. This is a long post, but one i felt i should share.

I have severe postpartum depression. I have 2 children. A 2.5yo & an 8m old. Here's my journey so far:

With our first son it was instant love. When I had to go back to work I was destroyed & I thought I had ppd. I went to a therapist & was on medication for depression. It eventually got better. We got pregnant with our 2nd when our first was 13m old. It was planned. We actually started ttc when our first was only 4m old bc it took us a while to conceive. With our second it was.....different. there was no instant love. Right off the bat he was a higher needs baby. He was born with torticollis, a lip tie, skin issues, a minor lazy eye & was later diagnosed with a "weak suck". He had to do therapy for his mouth muscles, torticollis & his eye. The weak suck made it difficult for him to nurse or even drink from a bottle. He lost a LOT of weight & was on the verge of being failure to thrive bc he just would not eat. He always fought eating. I felt like those first 2 months all I did was therapy with him, and try to feed him. I couldn't snuggle or play with him bc we were literally having to do 3 different types of therapy with him. It was all encompassing. He also screamed for the first 6weeks of his life. It was unbearable. I became a sahm after he was born & we have no family here. No help. I was totally by myself with our 2 young children. I dreaded taking care of the baby. I hated night time bc he never slept & never ate, he just cried all day & all night. I never really felt any emotion towards him except annoyance & dread of taking care of him. And I have felt guilty for that for the last 8m. It took every single thing in me not to leave the boys with my husband & run to Canada by myself, or take my own life. I wanted them to have a good life & I wanted them to be taken care of, I just didn't want them to be taken care of by me.  I was convinced I was an inadequate (& horrible) mother bc I did not love my second son, my baby, the child that I grew for 9 months & birthed. I hated him. I was in therapy at 6weeks pp. It did not help. My psychiatrist wouldn't put me on meds unless I stopped breastfeeding, which I did. But my insurance changed & I could not get ahold of a new psychiatrist. Eventually, talk therapy DID start to help (when I started telling her how I really felt). Eventually he stopped needing 3 types of therapy & only needed one type. Then he needed none. Then he started babbling. Then he started solids. Then he started laughing. It took me 6 whole months to like my 2nd child. Six months! & it took me almost 8 months to love him. My husband was my rock throughout this time & continued to advocate for me to get mental health help, he took the baby at night & the second he got home from work, he continued to tell me that I would love our son one day. He said that one day I wouldn't be able to get enough of him. One day I would be so infatuated with this perfect little being. That day has come. Even though he still does not sleep through the night. Even though he is still an atypical eater. Even though I still have dark days. I love him with every fiber of my being. I can't get enough of his fluffy hair, or little giggle or chubby little fingers. It took me 8 whole months. It has been an incredibly long journey, that I know is still not over. But I am so freaking happy that I am here to watch my sons grow up. & I want you to know that if you EVER feel this way, you are not alone. I hope that you can & will get help. And I hope the light at the end of your tunnel gets closer. I hope you make the decision to stay & watch your kids grow up ❤️