Plz don't tell me to just let the relationship go because I really don't want to. I love this man more than anything and I want to be with him. I know I've made mistakes... I need to figure out how to make it up. I was abused as a child by my dad. He was extremely abusive and would constantly hit me with a belt for no reason. I've grown up only ever wanting someone to love me. Many guys I dated cheated on me. Then I met my boyfriend. We had been together for 6 years and I ruined everything. When I was at my lowest I decided I wanted a boyfriend who was autistic. That sounds bad but it's only because I had heard autistic people can get really attached to someone they love and I wanted someone who wouldn't cheat and wouldn't leave me. My boyfriend has autism and he was exactly that. He was attached to me and loved me and things were great... Until they were too great and I started self sabotaging. I thought I didn't deserve him. That I didn't deserve love so I self sabotaged. I would be nice to him one minute, then scream at him the next. I started accusing him of cheating. Saying things I didn't mean like that I hated him. I saw him talking to a girl at his job and he said they were just having a conversation and I got so mad that I told him to kill himself. I was awful. I had this thing were I wanted to be loved but then I was scared of getting hurt so it made sense to hurt him first. It made sense to break him first. I went to far two weeks ago. I was depressed so I started drinking and mixed it with Xanax. I got extremely aggravated and aggressive and I don't remember everything I did. I do know I woke up in jail and when I found out the awful things I did to him I broke down. I won't say but I got charged with domestic violence. When I came home all his stuff was gone. I have been trying to call him but he blocked me on everything. I told him I would go to therapy and he didn't even have the balls to talk to me. His mom messaged me instead and told me "Please leave my son who YOU have BROKEN ALONE." I'm at rock bottom. I tried to ruin a good thing and officially did... Now I just want to know how to fix it. How to make it up to him. I'm going to go to therapy but how do I win him back?