PCOS STRUGGLE..

I literally hate everything. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate my body, I hate clomid, I hate provera, I hate metformin, I hate god if there even is one.. I have not felt normal since before I was 13.. I have not felt happy since I first started TTC 4 years ago. I just want my life back. I want to love myself again. I want to be normal so badly that I just hate myself. I think I'm going into depression, and I just blame pcos. I don't understand why I have to have this, I don't understand why any one has to deal with this.. I guess I'm just having a horrible day.. I have no one to talk to, as no one I even come into contact with understands. My siblings are pregnant with baby #3 & probably won't be having any more.. So yet again, I've missed this time. If I ever do have enough money to afford IVF my babies, if they even take will be much younger than their cousins. The only thing I wanted was for a baby that could grow up with my siblings kids & be close with their cousins. All I wanted was a baby of my own. All I have ever wanted is to see a baby on my ultrasound. I just want to feel it. I just want it. I want it all. It feels so out of reach, and I feel very close to just quitting. quitting this, quitting my job, quitting every thing. the hurt is becoming over whelming, the pain is too much to bare. I feel like I'm at a dead in road, with no where else to go from here.