I just need a place to vent.

I got a period in January and didn’t get one until i found out I was pregnant the beginning of April. I had tested every month and was very much not pregnant in February or earlier March, but of course all the doctors and nurses kept saying I was way further along then I was.

My first appointment they didn’t see anything but a sack, which I thought was normal cause I was only a few weeks along but they started bringing in other nurses and telling me to go to a bigger hospital with better equipment. A week later I go to the better hospital and they took my hcg levels, which didn’t even double from the first appointment. I found out I was carrying twins which I had suspected the whole time, I was also told I would most likely lose them cause they weren’t growing and my hcg levels weren’t rising enough, so they tell me to come back in a week. I go in and get my hcg tested, sit in the waiting room and the sweetest nurse of them all tells me I have to get my blood redrawn so they can confirm my blood type is actually negative for my shot.

The reason that’s important to note is cause in the two hours between my blood being drawn my hcg levels dropped by almost half, the staff didn’t even tell me, my husband peaked at the paper and told me when they left. When they did the ultrasound they could only see one gestational sack and pretty much said I was definitely going to lose them. I loved the nurse I got but the doctors I saw that time sucked, they were so cold and told me nothing nor did they listen to me.

A month and some later I passed the babies ( the worst pain of my life), my levels are back to zero and I had a period in June.

I’m suppose to get my period in eleven days and my husband and I had lots of unprotected sex while I was ovulating, not really TTC just he had been gone for a month and we missed each other lol.

Anyway I’m scared. Ive been asking myself if that was a sign from God that I shouldn’t be a mom or that I should wait longer to try. I’m scared of going through all of that pain again, getting excited and then getting the horrible news and the physical pain too. Part of me doesn’t even want to try and use condoms, but I also love the idea that I could get pregnant again and be a mom. I don’t want to prevent it from happening but I’m also not sure if I’m ready, even tho I really want to be. I keep psyching myself out I think. Im scared the universe is telling me I’m not ready but all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom. I’m just scared.

I also feel guilty cause I know there are woman who have multiple miscarriages and would do anything to be a mom. Or even women who dreamed about being a mom one day and never got to.

Anyway, thank you for reading all of this and letting me just kind of blabber. I don’t have friends and I’m not close with my family like that. so this is the best I got, ty🫶

Vfl? Help!!

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