Lately my mind and body have been responding with a lot of anxiety to my relationship with my crush/friend. During the first few days of noticing symptoms like rapid heart rate, ruminating, fatigue, nausea, and loss of appetite I felt an impulsive need to talk to my friend to tell him how I am feeling. But at the same time, I noticed I also wanted to distance myself from him like an impulsive need to run away. And I decided to not give him a call because I realized what’s happening within me could be much deeper and needs more focus and reflection and I’d like to work that out with myself first before I possibly ruin a good relationship. I began looking inwards and becoming more curious about why this is happening. It’s been almost three weeks now since I started feeling these symptoms of anxiety and they still exist. Today I had little to no appetite and I woke up in the morning with a tight feeling in my throat and rapid heart rate.

I really want to understand what is happening and why my mind/body are reacting this way because it is not the first time I experience these symptoms. And thinking back, the first time it happened was when I was 15 (I am 22 now). I had my first relationship, however, it was a relationship built on an empty foundation because I didn’t want the relationship. I told the guy ‘no’ multiple times since we didn’t know anything about each other, I didn’t even know his name. Until I got pressured into saying yes. We got together and a few days into the relationship he kissed me. I remember at the time thinking to myself, “is this how it works?” And I allowed it to happen. Then a couple months later I noticed a shift in how he was treating me. At first he was begging and being really sweet, then he began talking to me disrespectfully and he only spoke to me when he wanted things for his advantage. Without going into detail, he did force me into doing things with him that I was not comfortable with. The relationship ended when I realized he couldn’t end the relationship himself because he started “accidentally” calling me by another girls name when he picked up the phone to answer me as a way to drop hints that he’s no longer interested in me. I had no sense of self-awareness when all of that happened and I didn’t have a strong support system to lean on to share what was happening. Once I ended the relationship I went through a rough period of secluding myself because once I realized what I went through it hit me hard. And during that period, I had those same symptoms for about six months straight. It took a lot of reflection and alone time learning about who I am and my values to overcome that experience and make peace with it.

Today, the reason I want to heal this recurring anxiety is because this person, my crush and friend, is worth facing those fears. I do not want to run away from it or him. He has not disrespected me once since we’ve become friends. I’ve heard him say curse words while talking with other friends, but he observed that I don’t use curse words in conversation and when it’s just us two he doesn’t curse. When I noticed how considerate that was of him, I remember thinking to myself, “that’s a thoughtful friend!”

These feelings of anxiety started showing up, not because how he’s treating me, but because we had a conversation recently where he mentioned how a friend of his confessed they loved him and he rejected that friend. While I was listening to him explain that, it reminded me of the time I confessed to him (almost a year ago) that I started developing feelings for him and I wanted to let him know because I didn’t want to continue to be his friend while he didn’t know I had a crush on him. He told me he needed time to get back to me about his thoughts/feelings, and ultimately he said right now the timing of things would not be appropriate for him to be in a relationship considering his circumstances in other areas of life. I respected what he said and we agreed to continue to be friends. However, I didn’t think hearing him talk about him rejecting someone would make my mind and body react so strongly. I started overthinking and asking myself questions like “is it appropriate that I’m still friends with him?” “is it appropriate for me to still go to him when I need help or emotional support?” Because we have built an emotional connection over the span of our friendship by having vulnerable conversations with each other.

I don’t know if this is a trauma response from what I experienced at 15 or if it’s a mix of that and attachment wounds. I really want to see what I can learn about myself from this and how I can continue to navigate my relationship with my friend by putting my ego aside and letting our friendship continue to grow with patience and compassion instead of removing him from my life completely.