My recently turned 5 year old started kindergarten this week and I’d say it’s definitely been a lot harder on me than her. Please tell me if anyone can relate on this to feel less alone 😅😪

But here’s my other point and I’d like to know if I’m just overthinking things, if this is a common feeling that we go through as parents with making these big choices for our kids, or a sign of change.

After much debate on what schooling option we’d choose, we decided on public school for this season in life we’re in. It’s like a 3 minute drive (minus the hour long car line 😵‍💫) and a lot of kids in our community we know attend there as well, although she doesn’t see them at all.

I was debating heavily on homeschooling as well. I’m currently a SAHM, have been since she was born, and I have a two year old son whom I’m still staying home for until he starts school as well. My plan was always to go back to teaching once they were school aged. I’m thankful I’ve been able to be home up until this point. So I’m still home.

And here’s where things feel off to me.

Since they were born, I created our schedules and routine — I THRIVE on them. Taught them to walk, talk, use the potty, so many fun, real life learning routines and experiences. I’m very intentional with my time and making sure we fit some learning, some outdoor playtime, nap, quiet time, helping things around the house, helping with dinner. I love having them involved and I just overall want to soak in their childhood as much as I can. I’m so passionate about it.

So then it feels so weird and off putting to me that — bam — she’s 5 and I drop her off quickly every morning for 6 hours a day where’s she’s inside a building for those hours, and when I finally have her back she’s tired, not wanting to talk about what she’s done, and basically I get a tired version of my daughter for the remainder of the evening.

I feel weird passing the “baton” to someone else, someone I don’t know well yet, when I know I could do it. I’m thankful though she doesn’t put a fight with me or cry when it’s time to get ready and go. Because she did Pre-K last year and she loved it. She does like school, it seems. But of course as most kindergarteners, they struggle in the beginning. She has cried everyday in certain times, which is what she tells me. But I know it’s a part of the change in routine.

Today she was crying during bath time saying she doesn’t want to go back, it’s boring, and she wants to stay home with me and wants me to teach her things like I was doing before.

I might be very sensitive with this subject because I struggled SO SO much during my entire schooling but mostly elementary. So it’s like I’m seeing my younger me again and I’m torn.

Because if I do homeschool, I have no idea if it’s going to be long term or not. I have no idea if I’ll continue past elementary. There’s just so many unknowns. I’ve peeked at some curriculums to have some idea and I get jealous. I wish I could do that. I daydream about how our routines would look like if I did that.

Overall, it’s just wondering if you’ve truly made the right decision. I know we’ve all been there in certain seasons of their lives. I don’t want to have the easy way out when things get hard and new. But I also don’t feel right. Something in me feels so heavy. So off when I drop her off. Maybe I’m overthinking. Maybe it’s normal to have these thoughts or maybe it’s not. It’s not that I’m attached and don’t want to let her go—no. Like I said, she did pre-k and we had a very good experience and we’re pretty familiar with this kind of routine. It’s just what I’m used to, what I know I’m capable of doing, what I feel called to as a mother, but also…maybe it’s just emotions. This is new for the both of us.

If anyone can relate I’d love some comfort. Any moms who’s been through this, I’d love some advice.