I am currently really struggling with the emotions of TTC. I apologise in advance as I know how I awful I am going to sound in the following message to ladies that have been trying to conceive for months or years. I also apologise for the long post!

I have been with my husband for almost 5 years (married in March). We have an incredible marriage/relationship and I love him so much. We decided after our honeymoon that I would come off the pill and we would try for our first child together. I already have a child (7) and he has a daughter (13).

I was in a relationship with my son’s father for almost 13 years. I was 17 when we met and he was 29. He was a terrible father and partner and had no interest in being a family at all (even though he pressured me for years, the reality was very different!). He told me that he would change when our son was born, but never did. I finally got the courage to leave him when my son was 2, unfortunately this was Feb 2020 and just when we were in the process of separating belongings and moving out, lockdown hit and we were stuck living together for over 6 months. During this time he made my life an absolutely misery. Called me every name under the sun on a daily basis, constantly told me that I was a terrible mother for breaking up our family, spread numerous rumours about me at work (we work for the same company), wished me dead, and broke me emotionally and mentally to the point that I signed over my half of everything to him (property) just because I couldn’t take anymore.

I started to get close to a colleague a few months after my split (my current husband) and have genuinely never been happier. I never pictured myself getting married and actually enjoying life because I was so miserable for so many years.

I am now mid thirties and me and my husband are trying to conceive. Even though it has not been long, I am so consumed by TTC and struggle to think about anything else! I am testing even though I know it’s too soon and then am

Heartbroken when it’s negative.

Everyone has been going on about how different the pregnancy, birth and early months will be if I have another child (my ex was not present for any of it, e.g he even went home during labour as he was tired! 🙄…) and I’ve got all swept up with the idea, and now I’m scared that it won’t happen at all, and now I’m so much older, I’m aware that it can be so much more difficult!

My son is so so incredible and is desperate to be a big brother, I love him more than anything else in the world, but I’m just so gutted at the thought that I may not get the chance to give him a sibling. I know that I am so so lucky to have him but this TTC lark is so horrid!

Genuinely, can someone please help me out with how to distract myself! I work full time, have a child, a dog and a house but still find myself googling every symptom on meetings 😂

Thank you ☺️