So to begin with, it’s a relationship issue.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship, I would say marriage but, it really wasn’t even that. We got married out of religion for his parents when I found out I was pregnant and he was living with me. After we got married we got our own place with help from his parents money. I couldn’t work I was a high risk so that was a start of me being trapped. He used to leave me alone in our apartment together to ‘work’ and go mia for hours. Turns out it was because he got into drugs, meth of course.. I left him and his parents. They all turned against me for YEARS. All while I was the one raising our daughter healing from the trauma I endured. No one reached out or offered emotional support or even to engage with our daughter. (I skipped a lot of the in betweens but if you’ve been with someone who abused substances, you know there’s violence.) now 4 years later he’s sober we’re coparenting, he’s a stranger that used to torment me. It’s all I can see now. The trauma feels like it’s resurfaced.

The last 2 years or so I’ve been seeing someone and I’ll be honest our relationship wasn’t even a relationship to begin with, not to them atleast, they even told me they lead me on for a good bit. That hurt. Especially knowing I loved them, felt safe enough to move in with them for them to only tell me that, me and my daughter being there was overwhelming for them but, I wouldn’t have even moved in if it wasn’t for the fact I had no where to go within a days time over a crazy crazy landlord who physically assaulted me while holding my daughter and then illegally turned our water off the next day. I just chose to pack up and leave, my partner said it was okay to move in, overall in the end it wasn’t. They were overwhelmed by mine and my daughter’s presence in their space. Didn’t consider the fact I was scared on a daily basis. Didnt reach out to me about the events that took place. A lot of hurt feelings when I lived with them. I felt unwanted and hurt. So when I got the opportunity to move back into my family home, I took it. We broke up for a month or so but we got back together and talked about that. I thought it was fine until now. I just found out we’re expecting, he’s been asking since before if I would want to stay with him for 4 days out of the week and he spends the rest at my place with me. I don’t think me being there is gonna be comfortable. He made me feel so unwanted and unwelcomed last time and now it’s to the point I need to figure this out. I’m so scared of all the worst case scenarios that I honestly can’t look on the brighter side of this. Up until a few months ago I felt no security in our relationship. I feel like I have whiplash from everything and haven’t even been able to properly consider anything else other than staying where I feel the safest. In hindsight I kinda feel stuck. After these last 5 years all I’ve been doing is being a mom and working on myself with the rough history. I want to move on from being so scared but, after so long I just feel like I’m in survival mode. Like why can’t he move in this time to be closer to me rather than making me leave the only place I’ve felt safe?

I’m sorry if this seems messy or I’m rambling but, I don’t know I’m lonely and have no one to really talk too. How do I just move forward? One day at a time is so cruel it feels like another day of me making decisions that feel like fight or flight.

I just want the best for my daughter and this baby. I just don’t think me being uprooted after everything is in the best interest.

I think I should mention he works 3rd shift, so when we’re there I’ll only see him in the afternoon/evening when he goes to work or if I decide to stay up all night just to spend that time with him. I used too in the beginning of the relationship but, clearly that’s exhausting on anyone who has a toddler.

My daughter will be starting school in 8 months, I’ll be having the baby around then too. So my family home is right next to the school I went and want my kids to go too, it’s in walking distance as well so no matter what I can be there if she needs me.

Her dad (my ex husband) is also only 30 mins away for these visits so I feel comfortable enough with that. I just don’t know about all this distance. He wants me to make these changes but doesn’t seem willing to make some of his own.

I’m so sorry for the paragraph or novel. Like I said I’m just at a loss and need some advice or guidance. I’m essentially alone not including my partner.