I want to start by saying I recognize that this might be a toxic trait of mine that stems from trauma so I’m not asking if it’s “right” that I feel this way, more so asking if anyone can relate and if so what did you do to manage that.

So I have a pretty complicated, strained relationship with my family. Always have. Close with my mom (talk on phone weekly) but other than that, strained relationship with sister and brother, grandparents, and dad is passed away. Which was a VERY strained relationship when it existed at all.

Well, I have ALWAYS had a hard time dating family oriented people, despite it being a quality I admire and want for MY future family. I am drawn to people who either have a strained relationship like me, which I didn’t really care for, or who are EXTREMELY family oriented.

My partner now is 1 of 8 siblings. Lots of cousins (I have none) and consider them all his best friends. If he had it his way, there would be weekly dinners at his grandparents. Etc.

Now I try and be on board with as much as possible, I like his family. I text his grandma occasionally. I’m friends with his mom online and we chat.

But I find myself resenting sometimes when they ALWAYS have to be involved. For example, it’s my mom and sisters birthday this weekend. I ask what they want to do, mom wants to go out with her hubby, sister doesn’t want to do anything. I post them on FB. Done deal.

I also just find out this weekend my brother might be going to prison, so I’m like okay not in the best headspace and want to stay in. Well his brothers birthday is Tomorrow, so of course he makes plans to spend all DAY today cooking at his grandparents for this birthday dinner. I see my family maybe once a month, once every few months, for a quick two hour dinner. I still am not comfortable after 3 years dating, spending ALL day with his family. We do it for holidays, and at least once a month. A dinner there is show up at 2pm for some reason, which turns to cards turns to watching movies turns to watching the kids play outside getting home after dark.

My social battery is so low anyway. But I try.

It still isn’t enough, and I would say me agreeing to go to like 1/3 family things with him has always started an argument of me hating being around them and not being supportive. Like today when I am super overwhelmed by family drama, both my family members birthdays who don’t want to spend it with the family, and now I’m expected to spend ALL day with his family for his brothers birthday and I was honest and said I’m sorry I don’t really feel like it! (I’m also PMSing)

And it’s not just gatherings for special occasions if we plan a concert he asks if he can invite his brothers. Brunch on the weekend? Oh Let me invite my grandparents. Oh you want to plan a vacation next year? Well my family was talking about all getting an air bnb in Tahoe maybe we can all go together. His brother doesn’t have his license so now we have to drive across town to pick him up every time we go to the gym together because my boyfriend can’t work out apparently without his brother.

I feel like a complete bitch but is it bad that I just want to not????