Little bit after this picture was taken I got into a bad spot my children’s father and I ended up getting into drugs I struggled with addiction for many years and wanted my children to have better they got adopted I no longer have any connection (not my choice) with the to younger in this picture! Took me going to prison and many years later clean and doing well I was struggling then with finding my purpose because I missed being a mother so badly! I was ashamed that instead of being the better choice for my kids I gave them a better life with other people specifically ones who couldn’t have children! They are extremely well loved and taken care of and I thank God everyday that I had enough sense to give them what at that time I couldn’t give! But I was missing being a mom I had tried for 6 years for another one but still going back out to drugs (thank God he waited) but eventually I was lucky enough to become pregnant last November I gave birth to my youngest guest son! And I’m clean and have been for over 2 years! I’m sharing this because I am feeling so very guilty for not being this person so many years before this I’m feeling guilty and wondering if my other boys especially my oldest who is almost 18 and whom I’ve continued having contact and a good relationship with even when I was out there being selfish and dumb! But are they going to be upset because I couldn’t stop using for them are they going to feel some type of way towards my youngest are they going to hate him do they hate me! I was struggling with sharing this because I don’t want to be judged or whatever for even sharing this with all of you! Everyone here seems to be such good mothers and I know this is a lot to share with a bunch of strangers but I’m hoping someone might be able to shed some insight on this feeling guilty for not being the person I am now sooner and then that makes me feel almost guilty because I am doing amazing now and my youngest has never known the me back then for that I am so lucky but the others did! My oldest son and I talk everyday and it’s been that since I “gave them all up” and he has never shown any hate towards me or Caysen(10 month old) but teenagers hide things too! But sorry if this offends or upsets any of you it was something I just needed to get off my chest!

For anyone who might be struggling with active addiction I’m here if you want to talk and for anyone who’s dealt with it in the past but is drug free and clean GO YOU!

I’ll post a picture of Caysen in my comments so you can see my baby baby!