My partner is away for work and we have a long distance relationship.

This weekend (Friday) I got drunk alone at home and did an edible. I’m aware it was reckless, as during this I called my ex and asked for him to bring me food.

Upon dropping the food I thanked him with a hug and I don’t recall how the rest went on but I remember being on his lap in the back seat and he refused to kiss me back as he said I have alcohol on my breath. I then recall us having sex in the back of his car and 2 days later I’ve asked him what really happened as this would conclude me being unfaithful in my current partnership to which he’s been vague about.

I’m beginning to think I was raped by this man but don’t want to conclude on this because a small part of me knows I must’ve given him consent and most likely led the situation but my memory is patchy and I just don’t want to have to admit this to my partner as I cherish him.

I feel conflicted as well because I have cheated and possible sexually assaulted but I blame myself and know it’s not entirely due to substance and being impaired.

Context- I was with my ex for 2 years and this relationship is 9 months old. I had his number in my iCloud, not that we spoke but deleted contact when we broke up.

Any advice on what I should do ?

I just feel heavy.