I know it’s not likely anyone will see this but I just really need to talk and I don’t have anybody to talk to.

It’s not like I’m “alone”

I have a family, a boyfriend, friends, students, a whole community of people but no one to actually open up to. Not even my mom.

I’m 30 and people seeing me from outside would probably think I have a nearly perfect life. I have an MA degree in psychology (ironic right?) I’ve translated many books (English is not my first language), I’ve had so many students and a long resume. I make clay figures as a hobby, do yoga twice a week, I’m pretty they say. Sounds good right? But at night all I can think about is fantasizing about my death, I’m not actively suicidal but I think about death a lot. Like not existing at all. At night I think about all the people who abused me emotionally and physically. Sometimes it seems to me that all the men around me just look for an opportunity to abuse me. My dad did it, my brother did it, my brother in law did it, my cousin did it, even my current boyfriend once almost lost control while he was high and was this close to raping me. But I don’t want to discuss my relationship with him.

I’ve been to a psychiatrist and I take antidepressants on a daily basis but the loneliness is never going to go away. Sometimes I feel like those who were supposed to protect me have failed me and sometimes I feel like it’s all just my fault. I’m just really really tired. Thanks for reading tho.