Okay so not to be TMI but I literally only feel normal for about maybe a week at best out of the month. I’m 21 years old and my husband is 23. We got married fairly young, everyone tried rushing us to have kids, we didn’t want that so I got on the nexplanon. Long story short, the Nexplanon caused some irreversible damage to my body and I switched to the pill, then the pill did even MORE irreversible damage to my body so I chose to switch to condoms. I’ve been on birth control since a young age so I genuinely don’t know what my body feels like outside of it, little less what ovulation feels like. Been off the pill for a while and maybe once or twice a month I want to have kids, although I’m not stupid and don’t stray away from my current BC method the feeling intensifies and dies down maybe when I get my period all the way up until like 2 weeks before my next period. But sometimes these emotions intensifies so much that it sometimes genuinely throws me in a state of depression. It starts manifesting in my dreams and my emotions and I always feel like something is missing. I don’t understand why my brain cannot comprehend that now is not the time to have a child, perhaps late 30s or just when I feel stable but now doesn’t feel appropriate and I cannot with good faith have a child but good grief why does my mind want to argue with me about this topic? It’s not like I don’t keep myself busy, I work two jobs and maintain a healthy relationship with my husband which requires a lot of energy and effort. Just when things starts to feel like I don’t need to add anything I start to dream of my dream family, my kids and my husband, ultrasound pictures, doctors visits, family congratulating me, the positive pregnancy tests on my counter. I just wish it would all stop. I used to find it comforting now I just find it insulting.