I stayed with a cheater?

Hi everyone,

I’m 20, about to turn 21 in two weeks. I met my ex when I was 17, and from the start, we had this intense connection. But our relationship has been anything but simple.

When we first met, we didn’t make things official for the first eight months, which led to a lot of confusion. We were both in our first year of college, meeting new people, and exploring life. We didn’t communicate about boundaries, so we both talked to other people during that time without being upfront about it. Even as things between us got more serious—we started saying “I love you” and seeing each other almost daily—I kept some of my actions from those early months to myself.

About 10 months in, he started suspecting things, and I finally confessed. He was furious and wanted to end things, which I understood. But I was hurt when he admitted to doing the same things yet brushed it off because, in his words, “it didn’t matter” since those people weren’t local to our area. It felt unfair, but I tried to move past it.

Fast forward two years. After six months of officially dating, I broke up with him because of his lack of communication and effort. We spent the summer physically apart but still keeping in touch almost every other day , but once we returned to school, we started talking seriously again—without putting a label on it. One night, I went to his place and caught him in bed with another girl. I was devastated and cut him off for a couple of weeks, but he reached out, and we started talking seriously again.

That Christmas, I found his Apple Watch in my car after he’d acted distant. I couldn’t ignore my gut feeling, so I checked it and found texts from another girl he’d been talking to over break. I confronted him, and he apologized, promising it wouldn’t happen again. I told him we needed space to figure things out. For a while, he seemed more committed.

By February 2024, he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, and I thought things were finally on the right track. But just two months later, I caught him lying again—this time about spending the night at another girl’s house. He apologized again and promised to change, and once more, I forgave him.

The cycle continued. He’d slip up, I’d confront him, he’d apologize, and we’d move on. By August of this year, he told me he felt too dependent on me and wanted a break. I was frustrated because we’d taken so many “breaks” before that I knew this was just another excuse. I decided to treat it as a real breakup and during that time I started texting someone that coincidentally he knew (This only lasted about three days anyways it was nothing about relationships either, it was simply boredom and the texts were literally just getting to know each other). Nothing serious happened, but when he found out, he used it as a reason to hurt me emotionally.

Eventually, we reconciled and decided to keep things serious—but without a title. I thought things would be different this time, but he’s still going to other girls’ houses and talking to them, claiming nothing happens. It’s not just about physical cheating; it’s the fact that he chooses to be in situations that hurt me and in situations that he knows he would be upset to see me, and if the roles were reversed.

At the same time, he keeps saying he sees me as his wife, wants to be with me, and is even saying to get me gifts for my upcoming birthday. But sometimes, he’ll say we’re not meant to be and suggest cutting things off.

I’m emotionally drained. I know I’m stunting my own growth by staying in this cycle, but I don’t know how to detach. I keep forgiving him because deep down, I believe he can change—but he hasn’t shown me that he will.

I want to let go, but I’m struggling. I love him, but I’m tired of feeling hurt, jealous, and stuck. If anyone has been through something similar, I’d love advice on how to truly move on and focus on myself. I want to be happy, and I know I can’t keep allowing someone who doesn’t care about me to hold me back. I feel like I don’t have the power to leave and actually mean it whenever I say I i’m done we still communicate. I want to be done and not think twice about him. 

also, anyone tell me if I am literally crazy or what but something inside me I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been so traumatized by this relationship that before I leave him, I want him to be so attached to me that when it’s time for me to leave him, he’s hurt and he’s upset and feeling everything that I’ve been feeling for the past four years… I know it’s not realistic, but that’s something that also keeps me attached to him is the thought of at least getting an ounce of care out of him.