Hi, I’m looking for advice - generally I don’t ask strangers but I’m battling my brain before my therapy session. I’ve been married for eight years, together for 12. He was 18 I was 15 when we got together, I was obviously very naive entering a relationship so young and was excited about the first guy that really paid attention to me. He comes from a background that when you date you date to marry however I feel like looking back we both should’ve had more time to deal with life before we did together. There were pieces that seemed wonderful however a month before we got married I found out he was cheating on me and I decided to go through with the wedding solely based on what others were going to think. After the wedding I started drinking heavily and it became a problem. The drinking lead to sex (I think back that maybe it was a way to avoid my feelings) and I ended up getting pregnant. By my husband with my one and only son who is now 7. My husbands job as always taken him away from home and it’s increased as the years go on. We had the separation talk once when my son was 3 and again last week. I’ve been the primary care giver to our child. He’s only home on weekends from work and when he gets home he’s so miserable so impatient with our son. I feel bad for him bc all he wants is dad’s attention. I’ve spent the last two years analyzing our relationship and I want out. My body is starting to reject him. He will only help when he wants sex and when I give in I dread it and feel so disgusting after. But that seems to be the only way he’s happy. I can’t seem to do it though when I’m feeling so unhappy here. My heart wants to go but my head aches for my son. Am I going to screw him up? After my latest conversion I was so done, but he’s crying and calling himself a failure and begging me to try again but I’m met with the “if you wanted to try for us you would have” I make good money, he makes better. But it’s not everything. I told him I would do individual therapy first to figure out where I am. I don’t think my happiness is here, I’ve been checked out for so long. I don’t think it can return but in short o feel like he’s forcing my hand because he can’t be seen as a failure in the eyes of everyone else; and I really feel like he hasn’t thought about how I’m feeling. I was so happy through the weeks alone. My son and I had a schedule, a routine. Now my husband suddenly wants to take a hard left and be home all the time and help. I can’t help but think it’s fake because if he missed his family he would have made that choice long ago. There’s other little things like he didn’t come home for our son’s birthday last year. He gets mad when I have to go away for work once in a blue moon. I get the feeling he likes the “idea of us” but genuinely doesn’t value us. I want more children but I can’t see myself having more in this relationship. Otherwise I’m signing up for this alone again.

Am I in the wrong? Am I totally insane?