Need Advice

Edit: some people are determined to misunderstand so let me clarify. I let the man lead . I let him be the initiator, if he wanted to see me he would ask to see me and we would hang out.

About the text I sent him, I was teasing him because his effort to keep the conversation going decreased significantly after I told him I wouldn’t be staying over at his house anymore but I wasn’t opposed to just hanging out until I was comfortable doing that again. In my opinion, this shouldn’t be an issue because I set this same boundary when we first started talking and it wasn’t a problem. I want to be sure his intentions with me.

I’ve been dealing with a confusing situation, and I’d love to hear other people’s opinions. Here’s the backstory:

I met this guy on November 30th, 2024, and everything started off great. He was super consistent—texting me, picking me up 3–4 times a week, and planning everything. I never initiated anything; I let him take the lead. Before we were intimate, I set boundaries about taking things slow. I even spent the night with him several times, and we didn’t have sex during those nights. He respected my boundaries and stayed consistent, which made me feel like he was genuinely interested in me as a person.

On December 21st, we became intimate, and he was affectionate and emotionally engaging, which made me feel like he was truly invested. His effort didn’t change after that, and he was supposed to come get me on Christmas eve to spend the night.

But on that days , I saw a social media post he made about his ex, and it completely turned me off. It made me question his intentions and whether he still had feelings for her. That same day, I ended things because I felt disrespected and unsure if I could trust him.

Our Marital Histories:

• His Ex: He was in a relationship with his ex for 6 years and married to her for 1 year before they broke up. They’ve been broken up for 1 year now. While he’s said he’s moved on, he still follows her on social media, and the post about her on Christmas eve made me doubt if he’s really over her.

• My Past: I was also married before, but my marriage was short-lived. I’m working on setting better boundaries this time around to avoid falling into the same patterns of emotional dependency or settling for less than I deserve.

What Happened Next:

After I ended things, we played a little cat and mouse for two days over a jacket of his from his old job. He asked for it back but never actually came to get it, and I stopped messaging him after that. On New Year’s eve and New Year’s Day, I posted to my stories, and he watched them consistently. Then, on Thursday, January 2nd, he texted me out of nowhere, probably because of a meme I posted that he might’ve thought was about him.

At one point during our recent conversations, he implied he wanted me to come over. I made it clear that things wouldn’t be the same as before:

• Him: “Like we can hang, but I can’t ask you to stay the night?”

• Me: “Yeah, that’s right.”

• Him: “Aaokay🥲🫶🏽.”

I’ve been firm that the only way we’ll meet up is without sleepovers, and I’m holding off on intimacy until I’m ready. I wanted to make it clear that I’m not willing to settle for minimal effort or a connection that feels shallow.

Messages Since Reconnecting:

• Thursday, January 2nd:

• Him: “How you been 🙂‍↕️🥲” (9:44 AM)

• Me: “I’ve been aight, wbu?” (11:12 AM)

• Him: “Good good, seen you went onna trip how’d it go?” (12:47 PM)

• Me: “It was actually good but I came back sick” (1:30 PM)

• Him: “Nooo, cold?” (1:45 PM)

• Me: “Covid 💀 just found out today” (2:45 PM)

• Him: “Damn, how you feeling” (8:50 PM)

• Friday, January 3rd:

• Me: “I feel a little better. I’m usually asymptomatic. How was Texas?” (6:00 AM)

• Him: “What’s that mean? Pretty good, it’s been a decade since I been down here. I love it.” (8:39 AM)

• Saturday, January 5th:

• Me: “You’ve been slacking on keeping me entertained 🙄.” (mid-afternoon).

• He hasn’t replied, and it’s been hours.

Since reconnecting, his effort has been minimal. He texts sporadically, takes hours to reply, and hasn’t asked to meet up again. I’ve set boundaries again—no sleepovers and no intimacy until I’m ready—but it feels like he’s not putting in much effort anymore.

What I’m Struggling With:

• Before and during our intimacy, he was affectionate and consistent, even picking me up multiple times a week and taking the lead in everything. But after I cut things off on Christmas eve, the dynamic shifted. Now his effort feels minimal, and I wonder if he’s genuinely interested or just keeping me as an option while entertaining other women.

• Did I scare him off with my boundaries and reaction to his ex, or was he never serious to begin with?

My Questions for Other Women (or men):

1. How should I interpret his behavior and lack of consistent effort?

2. Am I overthinking, or does this level of engagement suggest he’s not serious about the connection?

3. How can I emotionally detach if he doesn’t step up?

4. Have you ever been in a similar situation where someone seemed genuinely interested at first but became distant after intimacy or after setting boundaries?

Any advice would help!”