He doesn’t want to get married

Update; Damn y’all can be absolutely brutal. I get the message, “move on it’s not worth it”. But some of those comments came off as venomous.

My partner (M) and I (F) have not had a typical relationship. We met on tinder and instantly connected, and began seeing each other every weekend. We talk constantly, hardly going an hour without texting unless one of us is asleep or busy at work. I asked him very early into our initial friendship what type of relationship he was interested in, and he made it clear that he was interested in remaining friends with benefits. My self-esteem was and is still low enough that I figured sacrificing my longing for a relationship just to still see someone I like was worth it.

All normal so far, pretty typical thing that lots of women do.

I didn’t push him, or revisit or try to convince him otherwise, I just settled into my role for a while.

About a year or so into our friendship (2022) I redownloaded Tinder because he seemed to be withdrawing from me. Less physical contact, absolutely no kissing, and he was still making it very clear he didn’t want anything couple-like from me at all.

He asked me a couple weeks later if I was “sick of him”. I asked “no, what are you talking about?”

I remember that nothing happened on Tinder, no one grabbed my attention, and all I wanted was him. So I deleted it after only about a week. But, he’d logged in to read back on our own conversation (I believed him 100%, and I still do), and saw that I’d edited my profile recently (because I used an updated picture that I’d sent him some months before).

He was upset, and it sparked a “revelation” in him that I mean more to him than he realized and that he was just afraid. He told me than he needed my patience but that he would work on himself and try to give me more of what I need. We talked about it extensively, and he held true.

I no longer held myself and my feelings back and we always have open and good conversations about our feelings and what we need.

The problem is, I’m now having feelings of wanting a formal declaration of commitment from him, but I’m scared to tell him. He doesn’t believe in marriage, and still has multiple big problems that he hasn’t worked on within himself.

This is a problem because I don’t know if I can stay with him if he won’t give me this. But I also feel like it isn’t fair of me to ask for something like this. It’s too big of a hurdle, but I absolutely love him and can’t imagine my life without him.

Our priorities are so different, our values and histories. How can we have a future together with such different wants? How can I share with him why a formal commitment would be so important to me, without feeling like I’m trying to guilt him or change him?

I’m not just talking marriage either, just something. He’s never told me anything like “I want a relationship with you.” He’s sort of just let me decide how committed we are and followed along. I might even just need him to define it for me, to take the lead for a little bit so I feel more wanted.

I guess what I’m asking is; has anyone ever been in a “no-marriage” relationship and then changed your/their mind? How can I start a conversation about this with him?