Fed up with disrespectful step son

My step son is about to be 14 and I'm honestly so fed up with him. Ever since I met my husband I've tried really hard to be nice to him. Me and my husband were only together 7 months before we got married because we just knew and my step son wasn't happy about him. My husband kind of babies him because he didn't get to see him for 3 years because his ex is bat shit crazy. She didn't give him to my husband on his visitation day and left the country with him to live in this community that based on everything my step son has said seemed like a cult and she ended up moving back to America but left him there. He lived there from 7 to 10 almost 11. I've tried so hard but he can be so disrespectful. He doesn't always like to eat dinner with the family. When I invite him he tells me to go away or flat out ignores me. When he gets mad he will scream at the top of his lungs and sometimes kicks stuff. He got mad at me yesterday because he felt like I embarrassed him. Sometimes (maybe 7x a month) he will pee in his bed. Me and my husband don't make a big deal out of it, but both me and my husband have asked him when that happens to take it down to the laundry room and put it in the washer. Either me or my husband will start it when we are bringing other clothes down. Instead he just pushes it under his bed. I feel like he's old enough to carry his stuff to the laundry room. I found 3 sets of bedding that he had pushed under his bed. All I did was tell him to please take it down to the laundry room and he told me he does not have to listen to me because I'm not his mom and he doesn't have a mom anymore. I said that I still am an authority figure and he does have to listen to me. He called me a C U Next Tuesday and my husband heard all this and came to tell him to go to his room to calm down and then come back to apologize when he's calm. So he goes to him room and starts kicking the wall saying he hates his life and he eventually kicks a hole into the wall so my husband has to go into the room and put him in a hug restraint. He keeps screaming until that turns to crying and he calms down. I told my husband that I am over the disrespect in my own home. He just said this weekend he's going to make my step son fix the wall. He's going to show him how but he can't go anywhere this weekend and he's going to have to fix the hole he put. I'm just exhausted and am over him. Before anyone mentions therapy the school was supposed to help us with therapy services but they require an evaluation and they keep pushing it back. I'm just so drained.

Edit: I do know what he's been through. He told us and had to talk about it in court when they were deciding to charge his mom with child endangerment. I know he's been through horrible unimaginable things. However, I still deserve respect in my home and all I asked was he take his bedding to the laundry room and put it in the wash. Not even wash it even though he's plenty old enough. I didn't ask for much. I did not shame him. I did not deserve the disrespect

Edit2: We were trying to do it through the school so he can get the support he needs in school. There program pulls kids out of class for therapy and gets them during the summer. They're partnered with a therapy company and I think he would benefit. I also dont know how I'm asking for too much. He is almost 14. He can walk his laundry to the laundry room and put them in the wash. He's a whole teenager. He's old enough to wash his sheets but all I'm asking is him to put them in the wash.