Setting boundaries with my mom went really badly

I (31m) and my wife (31f) have our first kid and my wife had been begging me to set boundaries with my mom because she has been overstepping and oversteps in every aspect of my life. She's been like that for the last decade. She calls me constantly. Text me constantly. She is vocal about liking or not liking people in my life. When I was in college she was constantly overstepping in my friendships. Especially if she didn't trust that friend. She has been overally involved in my life since my early 20's

I said in my post when asking for advice my mom means well. She wasn't always like this. I was a really depressed and suicidal kid. I went through some shit when I was 16 and didn't tell her. I didn't add context to that in my post asking for advice but when i was 16 at band camp I woke up to my band director having sex with me and she didn't find that out for a long time. She blamed me not telling her on her not being involved enough because she worked so she made it her goal to be overally involved.

And with some time I spent in therapy I think the reason I never said anything because I was scared of my dad. He was super hard on me because he didn't want me to turn out "gay". He was really an asshole. I don't think anything my mom did had anything to do with that.

I did finally get a chance to speak to her and it went badly. She got really defensive and said all she's done was try to makeup for my childhood and I told her she didn't do anything wrong during my childhood.. She said she must have if i wanted to kill myself and leave her and the whole family behind. She brought up what happened when I was 16 and said I didn't tell her. She must have done something wrong for me not to tell her so all she's been doing was trying to be the best mom and the best grandma. I tried saying she didn't do anything wrong but she yelled and asked why I didn't tell her when it happened. It got really emotional and we both were crying and she said fine and she can't do anything right and left. So it was awful. I never wanted to hurt my mom because I know everything she's done is because cares. I also understand my wife was over putting up with her overstepping. I'm just really sad how everything happened and I don't want to hurt my mom. I also didn't want my wife to be upset..