Baby's Gender & Birth Experience = Different Breastfeeding Journey?

This is going to be long, and I'm sorry. I just wanna know if anyone else has experienced this. I have 3 kids and I'm pregnant with my 4th and last. Has anyone had supply issues with certain kids and not the others? Like, my girls for example. I have 2 girls. My kids go 🩷🩵🩷🩵. So with my girls, both were traumatic births. My first was... complicated to say the least. Over 32 hours of labor and pushing and complications ended in a difficult c section and trip to the NICU. I don't remember much of it. She was almost re-admitted to the NICU in the hospital due to Jaundice. I wanted to breastfeed so so bad. But she was maybe 1-2 months before I had to give up because my supply was non-existent no matter what I tried to boost it.

My second daughter was an urgent c section due to low amniotic fluid. One day was an appointment and the next day was delivery. Hospital stay was fine. But she was re-admitted to the hospital a week later for jaundice and that was its own shit show too and my supply immediately took a hit because of it and the way the hospital was. They were horrible honestly and we filed multiple complaints. After that she got a really bad cold. Not rsv but we were monitoring her for it. I was also diagnosed with PPA and the stress of those things combined, once again ended my breastfeeding journey within 1-2 months. Even though it never truly got started due to multiple factors. And she also had tummy issues on top of everything as well.

My son, my second child was totally different. Granted, he was born in 2020 right at lockdown. So he ended up being exclusively breastfed for 14 months. I noticed I was starting to leak or my colostrum was coming in a while before birth. With my girls I only had that with my first but it wasn't much. My second girl I don't remember it happening at all. I'm 32 weeks, almost 33 and noticed just last night I'm starting to produce/leak/whatever already.

This is my last baby and I want to breastfeed but also bottlefeed by pumped milk or formula, whichever. I'm very open to this experience going whichever way it wants to go, but overall being able to nurse and bottle feed is my goal. But when I noticed the production starting, I couldn't help but feel guilty I haven't been able to provide my girls with the same amount of breast milk my son got. I was able to pump more with my second daughter so she did get pumped milk but to draw out the stash, her bottles weren't constantly breast milk. But I can't help but wonder if my lack of supply for my girls is just because their births were traumatic and stressful? My son's birth was smooth, I remember all of it and with lockdown we didn't have the stress of being around people or going out so we got to establish that breastfeeding. It wasn't the case with my girls. I don't know how this journey will go with my second son. But I can't help but feel guilty over how non-existent the breastfeeding journey was with my girls vs my son and what I'm hoping for with my second son. I feel like it's weird that it happened one way for my girls and another with my son(s). Of course I don't know what'll happen with my second son.

Has anyone else gone through this? Is it just me? I don't know why it makes me feel guilty. I wanted to breastfeed and pump for my girls. But I couldn't. At least not for long. And I don't know what the future holds for my second son but something tells me it'll be similar to my first son's journey. I know my hormones don't help and maybe I'm just a hormonal crazy mama who needed to vent. I don't know. But thanks for reading this far if you did.