Divorce or what ???

Question

Hey ladies, I really need some support no judgment, please. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I’ve been married for almost 4 years, and I honestly regret a lot of it. We have two kids (3 years old and 18 months), and the biggest ongoing issue is finances always has been. My husband lacks ambition, works part-time as a cook, and we’re constantly behind on bills. No savings, no car, bad credit.
When I got pregnant, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but I don’t know what I was thinking. I work full-time remote(10:30–7, M–F), and he’s home most of the day until he picks up the kids at 4:45. He works weekends. He cooks, cleans, isn’t abusive, doesn’t cheat, and the kids love him but I’m drowning. No dates, no vacations, no financial relief. No gifts nothing. I had to take money out of my 401(k) about three times just so we can stay afloat. ￼ his parents help us out, which is greatly appreciate it but I need him to step up more and yes no one to blame but me but hey this is my reality now.￼
I pay for nearly everything clothes, shoes, activities. He helps with daycare every other week, buys food and diapers. That’s it. I used to have it all together before we got married my own car, apartment, independence. Since moving in with me, everything went downhill: his got car repossessed, constant excuses when it came to bills and not much progress. We’ve been off and on since I was 18. 
I’m 27, he’s 33. We should be further along in life. I’m considering moving back home with the kids to save money and get a car. I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly maybe advice or just an outside perspective. I’m tired of pretending I’m okay when I’m really just exhausted. I appreciate him being home to take care of the kids while I still work but I don’t know if I should get a new job. Obviously I can’t switch my job schedule, but I don’t know it’s ￼too much just struggling bad. Thankfully the daycare is walking distance. He needs to just get an overnight job or something like I said he’s free from 8 AM to 445 Monday through Thursday. He just sleeps get the kids food ready tidy up the house and that’s it

Answer

Honestly you’re in a place a lot of families are. The job market is hard and costs are rising and incomes can’t keep up. Marriage is supposed to be for richer or poorer and instances like this, I’m a big believer of making it work. My husband and I were royally fucked over by Covid. We went from being DINK’s with $60,000 annual income to being parents of a new born making $375 a month. My husband works in the events and entertainment industry and lost his job during COVID and I was on unpaid maternity leave. He tried to get jobs but just settled on construction and worked part time making minimal money. I was the breadwinner when I went back to work and it was hard and it was stressful. I could have packed up and restarted my life but we chose to stick it out. Unfortunately sticking it out racked us up about $60,000 of debt, but my husband was able to finally get a good job again and now we’re 2 kids and $120,000 a year and managed to pay off $40,000 of our debt. Marriage is work. It’s not always dates and vacations. We just finally took a vacation that we paid for this year. It was a 5 year struggle with lots of fights, sacrifies, tears and questioning if it was all worth it. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, especially if there is still an overall seemingly healthy relationship.

Answer

Is there a reason you guys are paying for day care when he's home M-Th? You work Fridays so maybe see if you can have someone watch your kids that one day. Daycare expenses is the reason I am now a SAHM because it didn't make sense to pretty much have me work just to pay daycare when we could be saving that money. Daycare prices are so high. I think you should really sit down with him and talk about this and your expenses. Pull out a paper and pen and go through your finances and budget together so you both can see what is needed to pay everything. Then you can see where you can make cuts to unnecessary spending. You also can talk about him maybe getting a more full time job so you don't feel like you are drowning. Especially since you already pay for daycare. Honestly most people are struggling to pay for things like vacations and any extra things. Focus on what's necessary and see where you can start saving even something small like $20 a month.

Answer

I think that if you have a man who is loyal, loving, a good father, and attentive, you’re richer than you think you are. I noticed you said “we should be farther along in life by now” and I disagree with that statement. Life is not a race, and with inflation (esp in the housing market) and current rate of pay, people are “getting farther” at much later ages than what the world is used to seeing. Comparison is a thief of joy. If you are not okay being the breadwinner of the household, you should talk to him about that. I would recommend therapy. Try to remember that the grass is not greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.

Answer

I don't know I disagree with the other commenter about you having it pretty good just because he doesn't cheat... men literally get away with doing the bare minimum soo much of the time like being monogamous and faithful wasn't simply part of the marriage agreement. It sounds to me like you have three children, him being one of them. It doesn't sound like you are in love with him either. I personally would rather be an actually single mom than be a married single mom. And men always say "it came out of nowhere" but I bet you've discussed these issues countless times to the point you are coming to the internet instead of bringing it up with him yet again. Up to you, no one can make your choices for you, but if you aren't happy - suggest therapy? Or just move on. Girl I cannot promise there's better out there because I can't find it for myself but I know I am happier single than I was in a bad relationship. Good luck <3

Answer

I don’t think this calls for divorce. I think this calls for a sit down conversation and coming up with a plan as a team. Marriage is hard, being a parent to two is harder. 
You’ll get out of this .

Answer

Long story short, right now I am the sole breadwinner and my husband is the SAHD. We are actually less 'further along in life' than we were a few years ago for reasons I dont want to get into  plus our current economy.  Yes it frustrates me driving a very old car and having our fiinances fall on me but to me thats not a reason to break up a family with a loving partner. My husband is not a career driven person like I am but this is who I married, he didnt punk out on me, hes just more chilled in this area even if it means he only owns 5 shirts hes ok with that vs having to move up the career ladder. Your husband has the same value as a SAHM with a part time job. I actually appreciate what my husband is doing because when we both worked full time I had to come home and figure out dinner and clean the floors before bed but my husband now takes care of all of that, so at work Im not thinking of those things. If besides his income he spends above yall's means then yes that needs to be worked on. We have had to sit down and go over finances and make adjustments many times throughout our 14 yrs of marriage as our circumstances have changed. My only question is, why do they go to daycare? Can you cut that expense? I WFH and I just shut my door and my husband occupies the kids while I work.

Divorce or what ???

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