situationship just got messier

i was with my ex. let’s call him panda for almost 2 years. he was so gentle. kind. i was his first girlfriend. he was my third real relationship. we got together february 2023 we were both 19 turning 20. we broke up when we were about to turn 22. the reason why we broke up was because i hid things from him. i didn’t lie. i didn’t cheat. i didn’t talk to guys behind his back. i love him. i would never. i did however hide a lot of things from my past. since it was his first relationship i didn’t want to scare him away with my past relationship and hookup stories. i was his first everything and it felt like he was mine. i know i should’ve been honest with him but i wasnt. that was the biggest mistake i made. he did become obsessive and insecure over my past. (he struggles with OCD in this case specifically ROCD). i tried to be patient, understanding, even educated myself on all topics related to OCD to understand him better. overtime i grew shame and hatred over a past i once accepted. i still hate myself now. december 2024 i told him everything. specifically my hookups because i knew he wanted to know about this. i hid it for so long and i grew so guilty about it. it even caused me death anxiety to where i thought about how if he were to get married to me he would be living a lie. and i would die a liar. i felt sick. so sick. he broke up with me after i told him my whole past. he said we need to heal. that anything can happen. but that we need to work on ourselves. we were in contact up until sunday. we were trying to be friends but things would end up happening. intimate moments aside from sex. it didn’t feel like we truly left each other. but he would say we were friends when it was at his convenience i guess. saturday i went to a friends party. my ex lets call him chopper was there. he was the guy i was with before panda. chopper cheated on me with his ex. he cheated through email. had facetime sex. i stay with him a year after i found out. when i got with panda i rushed into that relationship fresh out from when i was with chopper. another big mistake. i was drunk at this party. i never said what i wanted to say to chopper because i kept excusing him. and since i rushed into another relationship i couldn’t fully close the book. not because i wasn’t over chopper. i definitely am. because i went through so much even before chopper (first relationship i was abused from 15-17). i confronted chopper about this at the party. what he did to me. it was like an i regret being with these people but i regret that i didn’t stand up for myself even more moment. i didn’t text panda all night and he asked me why. he said i didn’t owe it to him since we haven’t been an in official relationship but he wanted to know. i drove to his house and i told him why. he said he wants nothing to do with me because i know how triggered chopper gets him. i begged and explained this had to do with me not standing up for myself and not because i want to be with him. he didn’t want to listen. he hasn’t texted me since sunday. everyone is saying they would’ve done the same. that he needs to grow up. that i was honest. but i can’t help but feel like i did something terrible. i regret talking to chopper. i feel sick. i feel like i can’t function without panda right now. i really don’t care about chopper and i hope someone reading this believes me when i say that. panda doesn’t. i hope no one thinks i’m a terrible person. i feel like one. i feel sick right now. i called off work these past few days because i feel so depressed that i lost panda. i miss him.. he was my best friend. can anyone share any advice on this please. i feel like i’m losing my mind.