Venting

This might be all over the place so I’m sorry. I am 12 weeks pp and my bf and I are constantly fighting it’s like every other week it’s an argument and it is just exhausting taking care of a baby and trying to fix a relationship at the same time. Today, he got home from work and came into the room to check on the baby and hold him and 2 minutes into holding him he started to cry because he was hungry so he just handed him back to me and said well it’s a good thing I have to shower and I said can you at least hold him while I make the bottle really quick and he didn’t say anything and just left the room and I don’t know why that just pissed me off but I checked myself because I didn’t want to fight and plus he did mention he had a bad day at work today. He then got out and just started to ignore me and the baby and when I mentioned if we could go to the store really quick to get some stuff for the baby he gets mad once again 😀 he is just saying shit underneath his breath and again I got mad and told him never mind let just go home and he said why we are already on our way and I said nope let’s go home and he gets even more mad and starts ignore me. I wanted to come back home because I do not want to be out and be in a bad mood and plus I’ve been at home with the baby all day and just wanted to go out even if it was just to the store which I didn’t know would cause such a big thing. He has no patience even with the baby. If the baby is crying for more than like 3 min he started to get frustrated and just says just these damn comments that I don’t like and I’m just like ??? He’s a baby!? Babies cry??? And he just said I know all annoyed. Anyways I’m currently sleeping on the couch while he sleeps in bed with our baby in the room since he’s still ignoring me and I wanted to be able but I set up the baby camera so I can just see my baby and make sure he’s sleeping good or I can hear if he starts crying and he just turns it off or moves him so I can’t see him. If I confront him about the way that he acts or about the way that he is which I have multiple times during pregnancy and after and each time I do it’s such a big fight and I am tired of it. Every time I have spoken up and called him out on his attitude he just plays the victim and tries to gaslight me. Truly the only reason I’m still with him is because we have a kid together that’s the only reason. If we didn’t have a baby I would’ve left already but I don’t want my son to live with his parents separated but I am so unhappy. While I’m laying on this uncomfortable ass couch scrolling thru my camera roll and came across a pic of the day he was born and I just can’t get this one occurrence out of my head from that day. I have had contractions fhat whole day but they were not close enough or even like super strong but definitely uncomfortable anyways it was around 3 am when I told my bf we should start heading to the hospital to get check because I was still a month away from my due date. He told me if I could just wait till the morning because he was tired and that same day we were going to have our baby shower. I said no and basically dragged him out of bed and as we were going he was just silent the whole way there. They had us in triage for an hour and mentioned they were going to admit me and once he heard that he finally said something. He said wait your having the baby today? And I said I guess so ( we didn’t know at the time it was due to me having an infection so the baby had to come out so we wouldn’t risk him getting it which luckily he didn’t) and I was like I guess so that’s what the Dr is saying. And he said no you can’t we have the baby shower today and I said I know but what are we going to do about it. Once again goes silent. That got me so mad I wanted to go off but at the same time wanted to cry. Not how I pictured that to go. That is something that is just burned into my head that I think about a lot. Him getting mad that the baby was going to be born the day of his baby shower lol. We get into our delivery room and I ask him what’s wrong and he said do we cancel the party? And I’m just like all he is thinking about is that damn party. (The party was at his parents house and his mom did help out the most! Love herrrrr) anyways for that whole day we barely even spoke and I just remember feeling lonely since baby had go to the nicu go make sure he didn’t get the infection. There is a lot more that has happened but I feel like this is already long enough. Do I even keep trying or just let it go. I have been the one financially responsible I think he’s only bought one pack of diapers but I have bought everything else and I’m very grateful my brother went on a shopping spree for baby he loves him so much. Omg this other thing happened we were missing some stuff for when baby came home and I mentioned to my bf me and my brother were going to go shopping for yk those last min things and I asked him if he can help out with buying the baby some stuff and my brother had mentioned he would get it but that was so long ago somehow my bf remembered and said noo I’m not giving you money! your brother said he was going to buy it. I was like ??? This aint his baby he doesn’t have to buy him anything and he got mad because he had to pay for it lol. As I was saying I have been financially responsible I’m always taking care of him even at night while I have to be up at 2 in the morning to go into work at 3:00 am. I’m just exhausted.