Im lost 😞

Ok so this may be a long one and if you finish thank you.

Im depressed. I have been for awhile but ive held it together. I walked away from my marriage and if I had the choice I’d walk away from being a mum too. (My husband is still around i just needed space)

I lost my mum last year. I was 20 minutes to late getting to her to say goodbye. It lives with me everyday. 2 weeks after her funeral I lost my nan. (My mums, mum). Last month I lost my granddad. (My dad’s, dad). I helped my dad with my mums funeral. I paid for half off it and arranged flowers and songs and did a speech because he couldn’t. Since the day she died ive watched my dad lose himself badly. Ive been his backbone. I have two older brothers who have done nothing. We barely speak anymore. Ive also been my husband advocate for his mental health. Got him all the help he needed..so I thought. It’s like living with Jekyll and Hyde with him. I wake up everyday wondering what sort of day we will have. The excitement has gone. The amount of arguments we’ve had has killed our relationship. He can’t see that. But I can. I love him and really don’t want to walk away permanently but I’m lost. I’ve lost who I was. I’ve spent the last two days barley being able to function but yet carrying on because my 4 year old needs me. Im so broken. I am so lost. I can’t see no light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve tried everything to keep going and keep smiling but I can’t do it anymore. If I go to the doctors ill get send home with antidepressants which im already on they will just change them. I’ve tried private therapy it was no help. Ive ran out of things to try.